Jewish World Review Dec 13, 2007 / 4 Teves 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Farmer's Insurance flew agents to Oklahoma last week to aid victims of the ice storm. The company advertises itself as ordinary people doing extraordinary things. This was a good slogan until Thursday but now it just invites a steroid investigation.
The Mitchell Report named eighty-six Major League Baseball players on Thursday as known steroid users. If Jose Canseco hadn't been born in Cuba he could have been a presidential candidate unlike any other. He hasn't lied to the American people yet.
Alex Rodriguez urged clemency for teammates named in the Mitchell Report. Team management encouraged them to use steroids. If George Steinbrenner couldn't make out the constellation Orion in the acne on your back he would trade you to Cleveland.
Barack Obama's campaign staffers on Friday dismissed any suggestion that his past cocaine use might become a harmful campaign issue. Cocaine makes you feel like you rule the world. Everybody who quits the drug runs for president just to fill the hole.
Hillary Clinton reminded Iowans on Friday there's nothing new that Republicans can throw at her after sixteen years of battle. She said she was tested. If your husband slept around like Bill Clinton did, you would be tested too, and regularly.
GOP candidate Mike Huckabee hired Ed Rollins to run his campaign Thursday. Ed Rollins once worked for Ronald Reagan and Mike Huckabee was once a Baptist preacher. To get to the right of this ticket, Rudy Giuliani would have to invade Czechoslovakia.
Mike Huckabee chided President Bush Friday for having an arrogant bunker mentality on foreign policy and added that it's time for a change from the president's go-it-alone style. It's official. You couldn't be sure the world had turned upside down until a Southern Baptist told an Episcopalian to loosen up and go with the flow.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said Friday he may declare an emergency because California is fourteen billion dollars in the red. He's not getting good reviews. To rebuild his career he may have to do a cartoon movie so he's associated with a hit again.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton