Jewish World Review Dec 14, 2007 / 5 Teves 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The George Mitchell Commission released its findings about the use of steroids and performance-enhancing drugs in baseball Thursday. It didn't report on marijuana use. Pot isn't a performance-enhancing drug unless you're in a hot dog eating contest.
Atlanta Falcons coach Bobby Petrino quit Monday to coach at Arkansas. He'd been paid millions by the Falcons to help Michael Vick reach his full potential. Once Michael Vick was sentenced to the full twenty-three months, the coach's work was done.
Mike Ditka dissolved his charity fund for injured and retired NFL players, which collected over a million dollars but only handed out fifty thousand. No one knows the whereabouts of the rest of the cash. They don't call Mike Ditka the honorary mayor of Chicago for nothing.
Sotheby's just auctioned the original movie script of Citizen Kane that belonged to the late Orson Welles. The script he wrote in 1940 sold on Tuesday for a hundred thousand dollars. The Writers Guild sent him a registered letter on Wednesday telling him that he'll never work in this town again.
John Daly hired coach Butch Harmon Tuesday to travel with him on tour and work on his swing. What does he need with a swing coach? John Daly is already addicted to alcohol, gambling, food and nicotine, how is wife-swapping going to help his game?
CIA Director Michael Hayden went before the House Intelligence Committee Wednesday to discuss the CIA's destruction of videotapes. They control his budget but he has their phone records. Everyone on both sides left this hearing wishing they had led a better life.
Iowa hosted a GOP presidential debate Wednesday which had rules that allowed no mention of illegal immigration or Iraq. That only left the candidates' past sexual history. What Rudy Giuliani wouldn't give to see a skyscraper or a delicatessen right about now.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton