Jewish World Review Dec 13, 2007 / 4 Teves 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The White House released President Bush's list of holiday pardons Tuesday. The president pardoned carjackers and moonshiners and cocaine dealers and marijuana growers. He does whatever it takes to make sure the NFL can field twenty-eight teams.
Iowa presidential candidates canceled all events Tuesday due to the below-zero temperatures. It fulfilled one prophecy. A month ago everyone said Mike Huckabee would have to walk across the Mississippi River in order to beat Mitt Romney in Iowa.
Senator Teddy Kennedy just signed the richest publishing deal in history to write his autobiography and have it ready for release in two years. The book itself could save lives. In case of an emergency it can be used as a flotation device.
Michael Vick's agent Leigh Steinberg expressed hope Tuesday that Mike Vick can return to the NFL after prison. The agent also represents Ricky Williams. Only the American voter can claim to have a worse record judging character than Leigh Steinberg.
The National Finals Rodeo is going on this week in Las Vegas, where a new World Champion All-Around Cowboy will be crowned. The competition involves bull riding and calf roping and all cowboy skills. It's like a job fair at the State Department.
Philadelphia Airport topped a new survey Monday of the best airports for people looking to hook up romantically. It's also the worst airport for on-time take-offs. If it weren't for flight delays and airport hotels, workaholics would never reproduce.
Jack Nicholson told an interviewer Monday he may have sired over nine thousand children due to his lecherous lifestyle in the last fifty years. It's not that big a deal. He only hears from them when the Lakers are winning and they all want tickets.
Hillary Clinton and Warren Buffett discussed economic inequality in America on Tuesday. He's worth fifty billion dollars and he's worried about income inequality. Warren Buffett can't go to sleep every night knowing Bill Gates could buy and sell him.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton