Jewish World Review Dec. 27, 2006 / 6 Teves, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight tied Dean Smith's win record on Sunday. No one approached him on the court afterwards except one guy who lightly patted him on the back. A tiger trainer at the San Francisco Zoo just lost her hand doing that.
Woody Allen performed Dixieland jazz on his clarinet at the Santa Cruz Civic Auditorium last week. He's in the middle of a nationwide tour with his band. He was accompanied by his wife of eleven years, and that's quite old for a Filipino.
Michael Jackson was in Las Vegas Sunday looking for a casino showroom where he could perform long-term. The strip is always growing and changing. Three of the hotels are scheduled to be blown up just as soon as al-Qaeda has a free weekend.
Al-Qaeda was reported Sunday to be plotting to blow up the train tunnel underneath the English Channel. It would stop the flow of Muslims from Paris to London. The plan was so boneheaded it appears the second generation of al-Qaeda has taken power.
John Kerry went on the offensive against the White House Sunday, slamming the president's Iraq policy in a Washington Post editorial. He didn't do any jokes. John Kerry knows the secret to making audiences laugh and he can sure keep a secret.
Iran defied U.N. sanctions over its nuclear program Saturday as the U.S. and Britain sent ships into the Persian Gulf. Things are moving very quickly. We haven't even invaded yet and already Walter Cronkite says it's time to pull out of Iran.
The U.N. Security Council voted to put sanctions on Iran Saturday. The council demanded that Iran voluntarily halt its nuclear weapons program. Before that happens Rosie O'Donnell will announce she's pregnant with Donald Trump's love child.
The TSA delayed the rollout of the airport security scanner that sees through clothes. The machine puts a view of every crevice of your body up on a screen for all to see. It allows everyone to experience the thrill of running for president.
Taco Bell issued a report blaming the bacterial outbreak in its food on the lettuce. It had been contaminated where it was grown in California. The lettuce was barely out of the soil and it was smoking pot and advocating socialism.
Miss USA Tara Conner was allowed to keep her title if she agreed to go to rehab. The stunningly beautiful blonde will be sent to a place where she can't drink, do drugs or have promiscuous sex. Her job is to corrupt the mullahs.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton