Jewish World Review Dec. 8, 2006 / 17 Kislev, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The USS Intrepid was freed Wednesday from Hudson River mud, where the carrier sat for twenty years as a museum. It took a dozen tugboats one month to get it unstuck. Tug boats were called in after the Iraq Study Group was unable to budge it.
Taco Bell shut down nine restaurants in New York and New Jersey Tuesday over bacteria that was discovered in its food. No one knows how many customers were poisoned. Vladimir Putin has just signed a deal to write a book called If I Did It.
Tiger Woods last week repeated his call for the PGA Tour to begin the random testing of touring golfers for performance-enhancing drugs. The results won't always be pretty. The last time John Daly gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Victoria's Secret said Wednesday its catalogue will not use paper harvested from Caribou grazing lands. That's so responsible of the trashy lingerie maker. Now if only they would take pity on all the little silicones who died to make those models.
Barry Bonds turned up unexpectedly at baseball's winter meetings in Orlando on Wednesday to ask for a job. He's suspected of cheating on his taxes, cheating on his wife and cheating at baseball. He missed the Medal of Freedom by one president.
The Iraq Study Group on Wednesday delivered a blunt and bleak picture of the war. The group issued seventy-nine recommendations. They originally had eighty recommendations but admitting that France was right all along seemed like piling on.
USA Today said Wednesday that fifty million Americans own cell phones capable of shooting live video and posting it on the Internet. How tame is stand-up comedy now? Last night, six audience members at the Laugh Factory died of sleep apnea.
Prince Charles made an impassioned energy conservation speech Wednesday and ordered his staff to ride bicycles instead of drive. He shouldn't be so hard on cars. If it weren't for cars, Prince Charles would still be making alimony payments.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton