Jewish World Review Dec. 4, 2006 / 13 Kislev, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix was chosen Friday to test those X-ray machines that see right through a passenger's underwear. Everyone will see pictures of what you look like underneath your clothes. It's like being Britney Spears for a day.
The Boston Red Sox were reported Friday to be trading home-run slugger Manny Ramirez to Los Angeles. He's a comically awful outfielder. Manny Ramirez is a tremendous hitter but he couldn't catch radiation poisoning at a KGB reunion banquet.
Michael Richards agreed Friday to meet with the black hecklers he offended and give them whatever their lawyer wants. He can afford it. His racist rant at the Laugh Factory just became the number-one selling rap video in recording history.
Arizona prosecutors convicted a grandmother of drug running Friday after two hundred pounds of pot were found in her trunk. She sold drugs to support her bingo habit. E-Harmony had her fixed up with Pete Rose before the jail door slammed shut.
The Iraq Study Group recommended that the White House work with Syria and Iran for peace. It gets worse. They also recommended appointing Mel Gibson the U.S. Ambassador to Israel and naming Michael Richards the curator of the Martin Luther King Museum.
House Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi chose Texas Democratic Congressman Silvestre Reyes as the new Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee. Congressman Reyes doesn't have any past experience in national security. He was in the U.S. Border Patrol.
Danny DeVito showed up drunk on The View Wednesday and mimicked President Bush as one of the Three Stooges. He's lucky he lives in America and not in Russia. Moscow has the only comedy club in the entire world with a cemetery on the premises.
Russia's former prime minister was poisoned Wednesday after a former Russian spy died of poison in London. It's open season on critics of the Kremlin. Yakov Smirnoff opened his act in Branson Friday with a heartfelt tribute to Vladimir Putin.
Mexico's new president Felipe Calderon was sworn into office in Mexico City Friday with former President Bush looking on. They are an important trading partner. In addition to oil, silver and tequila, Mexico is the number-one producer of Americans.
Bill Clinton toured a coastal village in India Friday which was wrecked by the tsunami two years ago. The houses and schools are all back up. With Halliburton pinned down in Iraq, the rest of the world's getting a lot of rebuilding accomplished.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton