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Jewish World Review
Dec. 8, 2006
/ 17 Kislev, 5767
First Starbucks to be Built on Moon by 2020
By
Andy Borowitz
11,000 by 2021, coffee giant says
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Vowing to boldly go where no gourmet coffee chain has ever gone before, Starbucks
Inc. announced today that it would build its first coffee franchise on the moon by
the year 2020.
While the coffee giant raised eyebrows in the restaurant and aerospace industries
with its startling announcement, it stunned Wall Street with its plan to expand to
over 11,000 lunar coffee houses by 2021.
At a press conference at the company's Seattle headquarters, Starbucks spokesperson
Carol Foyler said that NASA's decision to build a manned base on the lunar surface
by the year 2020 motivated Starbucks' decision to expand moonward.
"Those astronauts are going to be working long and hard to build that moon base and
we're betting they're going to want a latte or two," Ms. Foyler says. "Fortunately
for them, there'll be a Starbucks on the edge of every crater."
But Starbucks' decision to expand to 11,000 stores by 2021 inspired skepticism among
restaurant industry experts, who wondered if there was a large enough market for
gourmet coffee on the moon to justify such accelerated growth.
"The biggest problem is that there is no life on the moon," said Nick Klujian, an
analyst at Morgan Stanley. "They'd be much better off on Mars."
In response to Mr. Klujian's comment, Starbucks responded: "Did we say the moon? We
meant Mars. Sorry, we got the order wrong."
Elsewhere, spokespersons for Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn said that the couple
has broken up but remain good friends, according to a story published today in "Like
I Care" magazine.
Andy's Archives
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Comment by clicking here.
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2006, Andy Borowitz
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