Jewish World Review Dec. 12, 2005 / 11 Kislev, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Los Angeles gangs threatened Thursday to riot if Crips
founder and convicted murderer Tookie Williams is executed
tomorrow. City officials have a plan in place. Los Angeles is
trying to start a hurricane to get rid of the troublemakers.
Colorado coach Gary Barnett was fired Friday despite his
winning record. His program was accused of using sex and alcohol
to recruit football players. That is what it takes to get kids
away from their video games and out into the fresh air.
Major League Baseball owners met in Dallas Thursday, having
reached agreement with players on steroid testing. No more cheap
homers. If Barry Bonds wants to make history he may have to break
Elvis Presley's record for most memorable singles.
Saddam Hussein complained in court on world television
Friday that he hadn't had a change in underwear in over three
days. Help is on the way. Once Wal-mart arrives in Iraq, underwear
will be so cheap they will never have to do laundry again.
Joe Lieberman denied a report Friday that he will be named
Defense Secretary. You never know. Donald Rumsfeld said he doesn't
have any plans to step down, but then if he was the kind of man
who made plans, things would be going much better in Iraq.
The New York Times said Friday federal agents are tracking
Americans through their cell phones. This will only increase the
need for translators. Cell phones cause such brain damage that
within two years everyone will be speaking Californian.
House Democrats met Wednesday to try to come up with a
unified position on Iraq. Some call for immediate withdrawal, some
call for gradual withdrawal, others call for partial withdrawal.
It looks like a list of Bill Clinton's things that aren't adultery.
USC star tailback Reggie Bush was awarded the Heisman Trophy
at the Downtown Athletic Club in New York Saturday. Sportswriters
call him another O.J. Simpson. Every time he goes to the mailbox
he finds another legal bill for a million dollars.
Warren Beatty hinted strongly Thursday he may run against
Arnold Schwarzenegger for California governor. This match-up was
inevitable. Their acting careers are over, now if they want to
waste vast sums of money they have to go into government.
The Weather Channel said ice storms in the Midwest Friday
caused long flight delays in Chicago. It's easy to understand why.
It was so cold that U.S. marshals were killing suspicious
passengers by making them wait outdoors to board the plane.
U.S. Marshals shot and killed a deranged man at Miami
Airport on Wednesday who screamed that he had a bomb in his bag.
It served a valuable purpose. Every few months Howard Dean has to
be reminded to tone it down before things get out of hand.
Senator Russ Feingold threatened Thursday to filibuster the
Patriot Act after a deal was made to re-authorize it. It lets the
FBI look up the library records of every American. So far about
all they have found out is that Asians like math books.
Saddam Hussein's lawyer charged Thursday that he was
threatened by three men as he tried to board a plane from Baghdad
and he believes they're plotting to kill him. He suspects that they
were CIA agents. They introduced themselves as Larry, Moe, and Curly.
The House Judiciary Committee passed a tough new law Thursday to try to halt illegal immigration. It includes a provision that makes three drunk driving violations a deportable offense. Pretty soon the Dallas Cowboys won't be able to field a team without sending them back over the border in the trunk of a car.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2005, Argus Hamilton