UCLA held a press conference Wednesday where three basketball players thanked President Trump for getting them released by China. The players had been caught shoplifting in a Beijing gift shop. After the press conference UCLA suspended the players one year for thanking President Trump.
• Paris officials announced they canceled the city's annual Christmas Market for fear of ISIS car attacks on the shopping citizens. What's one more surrender at this point? If it's true that electricity follows the path of least resistance, you wonder why lightning doesn't only strike in France.
• NASA's Jet Propulsion laboratory says meteor showers will fly past Earth at the rate of five per hour this month. A major collision is just a matter of time. Some scientists warn the planet could be destroyed a year from tonight when an asteroid the size of a small American crashes into the Earth.
• Glamour magazine ran a survey of readers who used dating websites and social media to meet their mates. Everyone seems happy with the results. Twelve percent of all respondents in the survey said they met their spouse online and eighty-eight percent said they met someone else's spouse online.
• Palm Springs Living reported on the party scene in the town's wealthy Del Webb senior living communities. They have a wild time. You go to parties and toss your Medicare Card into a fish bowl, then pull one out, take that person home, and have someone new to tell about all your ailments.
• Mattel released a new Muslim hijab-wearing Barbie doll which Mattel explained was modeled on an Olympic fencer. She should find work right away because President Trump is looking for Olympic fencers. He needs to put up two thousand miles of fence before the next presidential election.
• Congresswoman Maxine Waters led a Los Angeles audience in chanting Impeach Forty-Five Monday night. She can't specify any charge, but she's sure he's a racist and hates poor people. Some people play the victim card so well I'm surprised that they don't carry around their own chalk.
• The Weather Channel reported that last year the fewest number of Americans in history were killed by lightning strikes. It's just science. Every year in America, the rubber waist bands in our underwear are getting so much bigger that they keep us grounded during thunderstorms.
• The CDC warned that solving America's obesity epidemic is going to require a huge effort by educators, dieticians, grocers, and advertisers alike. Everyone's pitching in to help. Here in West Hollywood, drug dealers are cutting their cocaine with Slim Fast powder and selling it as Diet Coke.
• New Hampshire wildlife officials told bear hunters Friday that the state gaming commission is set to ban the use of chocolate as bait in bear traps. The ban is past due. For years hunters have been putting chocolate in bear traps but lately all they catch are depressed women going through break-ups.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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