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December 2, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Nov. 18, 2013/ 16 Kislev, 5774

Finally, a man stands up to snoring women

By John Kass

John Kass


JewishWorldReview.com | (MCT) Benjamin Duddles of Waukesha, Wis., doesn't like women who snore.

But unlike most American men who are too afraid to do anything about it, he actually did something about it.

He called the Waukesha police and demanded they arrest the woman in his bed. He didn't know her name, it is true, but he complained that the Woman with No Name was "snoring like a freight train."

Mr. Duddles may not realize this yet, but soon he will be famous, because he's the one guy heroic enough to broach a taboo subject:

Women who snore.

"I don't snore," said a woman I ran into Wednesday, reflecting the attitudes of most women who won't admit it. "And I hate hearing a man snore. I really can't stand it. The heavy breathing, too, that bothers me. My friends say, 'It's a respiration thing with you.' And they're right."

Men are flawed in ways too numerous to count. We snore and scratch when asleep. We often leave our socks on the bathroom floor. There are also occasional burping issues. The list of our outrages is endless.

But women hardly ever admit to snoring, at least publicly in a newspaper column. This suggests that, as a tribe, they are constantly in denial in the log-sawing area.

Which brings us back to the saga of Mr. Duddles.

At approximately 4:21 a.m. on the morning of Nov. 10, he called 911 to demand some police protection from the snoring woman next to him.

"Yes, he did," Waukesha police Capt. Ron Oremus told me over the phone. "This is exactly the kind of thing that can make police work interesting."

According to the police report, and the audio file of the 911 call that I've obtained, Mr. Duddles was being tortured by the sound.

He just couldn't take it anymore. So he called the police, and a female police dispatcher answered.

On the audio, Mr. Duddles seems, well, tired. And the police dispatcher has a chirpy voice, like a mom who's heard it all before.

Duddles: Yeah, I was wondering if you could send an officer to my place to have someone physically removed?

Police: Who do you want removed?

Duddles: Just a girl.

Police: Who's "Just a girl"?

Duddles: She's sleeping in my bed, yeah, and I'm sitting on the couch in the living room talking to you.

Police: How did she get into your apartment and into your bed?

Duddles: We were talking.

Police: Did you bring her home with you?

Duddles: Well, I assume so. You there? ... Her name is ah, uhm, what is her name?

Police: Do we know what her name is?

Duddles: What is her name? I don't know.

Police: What is your name?

Duddles: I'd rather not say.



So the Waukesha police dispatcher explained in her polite, chirpy voice that unless Duddles gave his name, there was nothing the cops could do for him.

So he gave his name. But not that of the snoring woman, because he didn't know it.

Mr. Duddles, though clearly exasperated, finally admits that he's been drinking alcoholic beverages.

Duddles: Well, I have. I don't know about her. She's just snoring away like a train. She's snoring.

Police: And she's snoring like a train?

Duddles: She's snoring like a train.

If you listen carefully, you can hear the snoring woman. She's sawing logs — not twigs but big heavy hardwood.

Police: And she decided just to go to bed?

Duddles: Well, pretty much. And then, it's like, I'm trying to wake her up and she won't wake up.

Police: And she's snoring like a train?

Duddles: She's snoring like a train.

Mr. Duddles may have been exhausted from his revels, but at least he was able to bring the phone closer to the bed so the dispatcher could hear for herself.

When I heard it, it was obvious something was terribly wrong. The Woman with No Name in the bed of Mr. Duddles didn't sound anything like a freight train.

Rather, she sounded more like a bulldog lying on its back, making this sound:

HAAZZZ — haaaaghhhz-HAAzzzZZZahg. HAZZZZZgkkha

Police: Is that her? Is that her snoring that I'm hearing?

Duddles: Yeah. She's snoring like a train.

Snoring woman: Haaazgh — ghaaaazzza — haaaaz-GRAAAZhokee. Gha.

And that was all the Waukesha police needed to hear.

Police: OK, we'll send someone over there.

Duddles: OK, thank you.

We tried to reach Mr. Duddles, and left a message with his mom, but he didn't return the call.

A check of his background found no pattern of making complaints about snoring women.

The police report summed up his issue: Mr. Duddles "wishes a female removed from his bed (because) he's not sure how she got into his apt."

Police did try to smooth things out for the couple. According to the report, they determined that she suffered from sleep apnea, a condition that makes people like her (and me) snore loudly, like bulldogs on our backs.

According to the report:

"She was woken up. … He was advised this was not a police matter because he allowed her in. He was provided the comfort of his couch for the evening and to work out the 'issue' in the morning."

And I'm sure they worked everything out, once she told him her name.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Comments by clicking here.



Previously:



11/13/13 Toronto mayor says he's embarrassed; what about Chicago?
10/31/13 Sen. Bullhead is hooked on outrage
10/21/13 Can a biologist's research shed any light on what's happening in Washington?
10/14/13 Wise men recall how 'elevator men know their building'
10/07/13 President Obama should go moron hunting
10/01/13 Geezer zombies, coming to a reality near you
09/25/13 When politicians misuse words: Oh, the enormity!
09/11/13 Of dogs, Dems and Damascus
08/19/13 Forget the tears. The Jacksons know they got off easy
08/13/13 Bros filling the void --- with 'My Little Pony'
07/31/13 A serial sexter stays in New York's mayoral race. What’s next?
07/26/13 Show some appreciation for the new prince
05/29/13 Mr. President, save us from Xbox One
05/23/13 Tornadoes sound like eerie silence --- then evil
05/15/13 How the unassimilated are transformed into terrorists
05/07/13 Lives lost mean 'Benghazi' should be more than a political buzzword
04/30/13 American football industry is on its deathbed
04/25/13 Boston terror can't be packaged neatly for American audiences
04/18/13 In the world of acts, the urge to help overwhelms
03/11/13 Senate battle between a libertarian whippersnapper, crotchety establishment
02/25/13 If only Jesse Jr. would have read his own book
02/11/13 Secret drone strikes simplify Obama Doctrine
01/29/13 Making a pet project out of Neanderthals
01/17/13 Spielberg stops 'Robopocalypse,' perhaps on orders of evil master robot
01/07/13 Reality TV, how deep can it sink?
11/08/12 Thanks, voters, for caring enough to argue
11/05/12 It's Romney by a head
11/01/12 Sandy swoops in to save Obama. Should it be allowed to?
10/18/12 The other side of the emergency room curtain
10/15/12 Droopy Chia candidates get a do-over
10/04/12 :Schoolchildren's stomachs rumble; drama queens grumble
10/01/12 : Chia Obama vs. Chia Romney: May the best greenfro win
09/25/12 : With bitter campaign in full swing, you need to watch some movies
08/02/12 : Toasting culture's absurdities
04/24/12: Why do you have to sell your privacy to win?
10/13/11: Stupid things men say to pregnant women
09/26/11: Desk zero: ‘Contagion’ lurks just outside office bathroom
09/08/11: Light up your lottery tickets, pass the Hopium
08/31/11: It was only a paper moon , but a legendary hoax
05/27/11: For 2012, it's Obama vs. the smoothies
05/05/11: Is it time to de-friend Pakistan?
04/12/11: China stretches the bounds of decency with cow-human-breast milk
03/23/11: No you're not in control; get over it
02/28/11: Chicago wanted a strongman, and it got one
01/26/11: Oh, c'mon, c'mon, Rahm-bo a victim? That's a stretch
12/13/10: WikiLeaks and Assange pretend there are no consequences
12/09/10: Trendy toys don't stand up to playthings of yore
10/11/10: Obama and his pals need some scarce Hopium for the next election
09/14/10: Obama gets a little bossy with tacit endorsement of Emanuel
08/18/10: Dead Meat walking, but heat to be applied again
07/28/10: No verdict, but Blagojevich trial still has its winners, losers
07/26/10: Obama's fall guy in Shirley Sherrod case is Vilsack the Pooh
07/21/10: Loathing of Steinbrenner softens after his death
07/19/10: Summertime, and the race cards are easy
06/28/10: Does Congress have the guts to fix what court gutted? Honestly, no
12/17/09: Belt-tightening presidential aspirant leaves room for Spam
09/27/09: ACORN can teach the GOP a thing or 2
09/03/09: Blago as author gets it wrong yet again 06/22/09: Obama's latest political play should shock no one
06/17/09: Presidential satire takes Hopium break
06/11/09: E-Verify works, so, of course, let's not use it
06/09/09: First Lady Macbeth's the man, so in your face, Eminem
06/02/09: Judge Sotomayor would think me most unwise
05/12/09: Parents, enjoy this time, in all its creepiness
03/18/09: Stem cell policy shift brings a sinking feeling
03/09/09: Name That Blago Book contest names its winner
03/05/09: Contest: Name Blagojevich's book
02/16/09: Dems undercut aid for U.S. workers
01/20/09: Let the carving begin on Tombstone's tomb
01/12/09: Obama serves Reid taste of Chicago Way
01/02/09: Jesters don't pick up the race card in a nationally televised news conference and slam it into the face of every Dem in the Senate, a palm heel strike to the tip of the nose, leaving all of them watery-eyed, their lips stinging
12/24/08: Governor waxes poetic, but Combine rolls on
12/23/08: Got corruption? Get Jesse Junior G-Man
12/18/08: Will ‘feditis’ spread to Obama and Daley?
12/15/08: Man behind curtain is wizard of Rod, Rahm

© 2012, Chicago Tribune. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.

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