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Jewish World Review Nov. 12, 2012/ 27 Mar-Cheshvan, 5773 When your email provider belies your, ahem, age By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | (MCT) The email was a nice one, from a guy living somewhere up North, I think. He was writing to say that he liked my weekly column, which was awfully kind of him. And then I read the last sentence: "BTW, love that you and my Granddad are the only ones still using AOL! Loyalty is undervalued these days!" Hmmmm. I had never once thought about the fact that I have kept the same email address for 15 years. It's on my business cards and website, and, besides, how else would all those nice people who want my penis to be larger ever find me? It never dawned on me that my aol.com was archaic. Something that only a nice young man's Granddad would use. So I asked a couple of friends: "Am I the only person still using AOL?" They looked nervously at one another before answering. "We didn't know how to tell you," said one. The other just hung her head. "But why? Why did everybody leave AOL and why didn't anyone tell me?" They didn't really know why, although there was some mention of how they never knew how to bring it up with me. There, apparently, had been talk of an intervention just like on that show where the redneck families sit in a circle and confront Misti Dawn about her meth problem before shipping her off to somewhere with palms. Yeah, just like that. I asked Google why everyone (but me and that guy's granddad) had left AOL and discovered a couple of articles that described AOL as "like the CBS evening news, an icon from another age that serves an aging and declining audience." What the WHAT?!?!? Another article said, "AOL is for people under 8 and over 80." I still couldn't figure out why, though. Not being a techie, I didn't really understand the complaints. AOL does what I ask it to: delivers the mail in a timely fashion and offers a decent home page that, while a little heavy on designed-to-titillate headlines like: "Wow! See Jennifer Aniston's breasts on vacation!" (Don't they usually travel with her?) is generally useful and informative. Also, it's free. This is something that seems to confuse some people. There are, I read, a small tribe of 4 million or so who continue to pay for the service even though they haven't had to for many, many years. They are like Internet aborigines, I suppose. I haven't paid for AOL in a very long time. Not since the last time I saw the little yellow stick man race across the screen during the dial-up days. (My throat-killing imitation of the sound of dial-up used to be a much-in-demand party trick back in the day since you ask.) My friends all have Gmail, Yahoo, hotmail and a bunch of other much cooler Internet addresses. But I've got 580 business cards left. Until then, well, get off my lawn. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Celia Rivenbark is the New York Times bestselling author of 'You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl'. Bringing Anarchy home Betting on a celebrity calamity Undergarments on parade All the news that's fit . . . for the toilet Nutty? Or just too much Nutella? Have a seat . . . if you dare Motherhood, Hollywood style Parents, kids don't want you at games Parents, kids don't want you at games It was fine . . . until they called it 'pink slime' She'll miss Walmart's 'aggressive hospitality' Pageant mom wastes dollars, lacks sense When counter intuitiveness fails Dear older folks: Think before you ink They let their thumbs do the walking . . . to the wrong phone Congressional plans lacking horse sense She's Forever Lazy, so butt out It was famous while it lasted: Celebrities as marital guest stars It's all about the ‘Sass-poles’ Mothers and daughters and books, oh my Her Klout starts with a ‘k’ She's naming names . . . Smurf style Copying her daughter? That's so Lohan! A few swift kicks in the seat Buy my %*&^ing book! Shellacked in a foreign language College degree can be had in 3 days She'll take names, and then call them losers I beg of you, spare the ‘Children’ Release the hoards Brace yourself for a luxurious smile, and a big bill Speaking her mind by pushing his buttons She'll have another shot of mugs Polygamy may only get one season A picture is worth $1,000 for retouching Not cancer, still a big fat pain A text is worth 1,000 words Ready for some laughs again Now men don't have to work out either Hormones rule home of Princess and mom Add some oohing, cooing to your kitchen Tweeting puppy a perfect pet … for twerps Science fair spurs on hyper parents Cat naps aren't all that popular among felines Nightmare in the mall's dead zone America: Cut out the need to be cute Taking a page from a ‘Mad’ mother She's adding truth serum to her Cap'n Crunch Snuggie ensnares another victim, er, admirer Florida can keep its snakes She's homeless . . . but for $95 she can go home with your princess Southern fish experiencing identity crises Monkey baby big business for the small-minded All mommixed up? Try keeping toes in a breath-mint tin Thunder thighs finally get revenge Where would I be without the digested read? Butter buds: Julia and Celia Facebook is for ‘old’ people, too, missy Ch-ch-ch-changes Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I? Somehow, we've all lost our internal censors Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends Big family, big ratings, big mess Fred Mertz for vice president Women and tools are like grease, water Runners are a different breed of folk altogether Don't get all bento out of shape For you, Princess? I'll buy junk Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check Reality show amuses yet repels viewer Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so Honesty in the name of fashion Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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