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Jewish World Review Nov. 26, 2010 19 Kislev, 5771 Simon Says By Roger Simon
• Anybody who says, "Let's get lunch sometime," intends never to have lunch with you. • Anybody who says, "Don't be a stranger," wants you to remain a stranger. • You are really, really old if you know Morse code. You are really old if you ever cut a stencil for a mimeograph machine. You are old if your kitchen had linoleum. • Take it from me, "Wolf Hall" by Hilary Mantel is going to be the best book you read this year. • If everybody tells you that you are a snappy dresser, you are probably too much of one. • Strange but true: We all know that Julius Caesar "crossed the Rubicon," but today nobody is sure where the river Rubicon really is. • What's the difference between heaven and hell? In hell, all they have is basic cable. • Show me a person who can yodel, and I will show you a person who has no friends. • When is the last time you checked your oil? Do you even know where your dipstick is? Do you even know what a dipstick is? • Lingerie football? Really? • Am I the only one who always get Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci mixed up? Michelangelo did the statue "David" and the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and a bunch of other great stuff. Leonardo da Vinci did "Mona Lisa" and "The Last Supper" and a bunch of other great stuff. But I know I'll never remember who did what. • If someone says, "It may be none of my business," he's right. • Has one size ever really fit all? • Drivers who never give you a wave of "thank you" when you let them cut in front of you should be beaten with sticks. • Cheap flashlights are never worth it. • Does anyone still play the harmonica? Why? • Why is daylight always "broad"? Has no one ever been robbed in "narrow" daylight? • I have the same feeling every time I see someone driving a convertible with the top up in beautiful weather: OK, so you don't want to get your hair mussed or you don't want to get too much sun. So why did you buy a convertible in the first place? • What I wouldn't give for a box of Black Crows. • I don't care how good a touch typist you are, I'll bet you can't use the numbers row without looking. • Wordnik.com, described as a "new website that will give dictionaries some serious competition this year," can actually be very interesting. • I don't care how big your couch is, only two people want to sit on it. • From what long-forgotten Chicago bar of my youth come these words? "Closing time! It's closing time! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." Does any bartender still say this? Or does he just turn off the flat-screen? • Is there anything more useless than a paperweight? Who actually weighs down papers? People whose desks are outdoors? • Since nobody predicted the recession, nobody is going to predict the recovery.
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