Jewish World Review Nov. 26, 2010 / 19 Kislev, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Prince William and Kate Middleton revealed plans to marry at Westminster Abbey April 29th. The royal wedding will occur on the one hundred fiftieth anniversary of the start of the Civil War. The date was selected by a committee of astrologers and marriage counselors.
President Obama taped an interview with Barbara Walters which will air tonight on ABC. He revealed he has Stevie Wonder, the Rolling Stones, and Bob Dylan on his iPod. Unfortunately the interview question asked him what he planned to do about North Korea.
Josh Hamilton was voted American League Most Valuable Player Wednesday. He is sober after eight trips to rehab. Down in the minor leagues he played on beer and pot until he was called up to the Major Leagues and played on cocaine and single-malt Scotch.
Senate Republicans proposed a bill Tuesday to scale back the health care reform law. Doctors are experiencing a huge increase in demand for medical services. Tiger Woods is only thirty-four and last year he started getting his annual physical weekly.
Tom DeLay was convicted of money laundering and conspiracy Wednesday. He's now two-thirds of the way through his apprenticeship. Tom is just a voter fraud conviction away from being the first Texan ever eligible to run for mayor of Chicago.
Sarah Palin called Barbara Bush a blue-blood Tuesday for doubting her presidential electability. How long has it been since we all enjoyed a Republican driven by class envy? The only thing dumber than thinking Elvis is still alive is believing that Nixon is still dead.
Los Angeles Deputy City Attorney Maureen Rodriguez said Tuesday the nicest suburbs in L.A. are being invaded by squatters who move into vacated foreclosed homes. That's the bad news. The good news is, the rate of homelessness is falling across America and home ownership is way up, if you believe the notion that possession is nine tenths of the law.
Homeland Security announced Wednesday it's considering new names for the daily terrorist threat levels they announce. People have gotten too used to hearing the current names--Code Yellow and Code Orange and Code Red. To get everybody's attention, they're thinking about renaming them Above the Waist, Below the Waist and Third Date.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton