Jewish World Review Nov. 8, 2010 / 1 Kislev, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The San Francisco Giants got a huge parade on Market Street Wednesday. People threw tons of confetti. The tiny pieces of paper were later swept off the street and converted into pulp and then dried and pounded into socially-responsible Happy Meals.
An American Kennel Club poll said Thursday the Labrador Retriever is America's favorite dog. Which type varies by region. The favorite breed in New England is the Red Lab, the favorite out West is the Silver Lab, and the most popular in the South is the Meth Lab.
DEA agents found a half-mile-long tunnel from Mexico into San Diego Thursday. They have to make it look like a tunnel for drug smugglers and terrorists. If they say it's used by illegal aliens the Obama administration will make it a stimulus project and expand it to eight lanes.
Meg Whitman reported spending a hundred forty million of her own money losing in California Tuesday. Linda McMahon spent sixty million of her own money to lose in Connecticut. You know the economy's bad when you put two hundred million into a job search and you still come up empty.
President Obama flew to India on Air Force One Friday followed by forty airliners full of staffers and friends. He also ordered thirty-four U.S. warships and an aircraft carrier to accompany him. Most guys going through a mid-life crisis simply buy a red Corvette.
The White House rented out all six hundred rooms of the Taj Mahal Palace Hotel for President Obama Friday. The hotel staff draped fine nets on the balcony to shield the president from monkeys that sling poo. Where were they last week when he needed them?
President Obama arrived in India Friday where he will enjoy a state dinner and give a televised speech. Obama has one great advantage when speaking to the people of this country. If his Teleprompter breaks down while he's in India, tech support is a local call.
The White House will host a Slurpee Summit with GOP leaders next week after the president said Republicans drink Slurpees while he works hard for the people. It's one more thing for Obama to do while he's in India. Find someone who knows how to work a Slurpee machine.
President Obama vowed Wednesday to rebuild the connection he lost with American voters. He spent the last year engaging voters in backyard chats. He was going to do front yard chats but then you get the foreclosure sign in the picture.
Wall Street cheered Thursday as the Dow Jones average rose to its highest mark since the financial crisis started two years ago. The floor traders applauded when the number reached eleven thousand four hundred. Whenever the Dow matches the average American income, everybody wins a free car wash.
New Zealand's Prime Minister John Phillip Key accidentally referred to Hillary Clinton as President Clinton at their joint news conference down in Wellington Friday. It got everybody's attention. Two years ago he told everybody to buy Apple.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton