Finally, somebody blew the whistle on those wacky cereal manufacturers and I think that's just gggggggrrrreaaat!
Enough already! Like modern-day "miracle tonic" salesmen who hoodooed an unsophisticated prairie public, the folks at Kellogg's even claimed that, yes, Froot Loops are good for you.
It's not even real froot! How could it possibly be good for you? And what is froot anyway? General Mills didn't fare much better claiming that a bowl of Cheerios could basically cure male pattern baldness and give you X-ray vision in the process. Almost.
I imagine when the FDA cracked down on some of the more hilarious claims by cereal makers last week, heads rolled around the boardroom. You can practically see the "SNL" sketch write itself with this one. You've got the costumed Cap'n Crunch kvetching to Count Chocula while the Trix rabbit stops jumping around for the first time, maybe ever.
And somewhere, there were real humans who were actually shocked that they got busted.
Kellogg bigshot: "So you say we're not going to be allowed to claim that Frosted Mini Wheats improve a child's attention span by 20 percent?"
Attorney: "Uh, that's right. Because, in point of fact, that's just kind of, uh, made up."
Bigshot: "I hear you. What about saying that if you eat Frosted Mini Wheats, you will improve your IQ by 20 points. How about we say that?"
Bigshot: "So I'm guessing the whole leaping tall buildings in a single bound is out, too?"
Attorney: "Oh yeah."
Bigshot: "And we really have to sign something we won't make misleading claims on our cereal boxes anymore?"
Attorney: "Yes, that's the gist of it."
Bigshot: "But what about the claim that Cocoa Krispies will help support your child's immune system? We can still say that, right? I mean, this IS still America the last time I looked."
Attorney: "Nope, you can't say that because it's technically not true. Eating 50 percent sugar cereals doesn't keep your kid from getting colds or anything else. We just, sorta, made it up."
Bigshot: "But cereal is good for you! It has vitamins in it. And fiber. People love fiber! And what about those little hearts that we've been putting on the box? People love those little hearts. And did you know that it has been clinically proven that if you eat a bowl of Frosted Flakes every day you will never get cancer?"
Attorney: "No, it hasn't."
Bigshot: "Yeah, I know."
Of course, it's not all the cereal makers' fault. We wanted to believe that sugary cereals were really good for us because, well, we likey sugar. Thank G0d, we still have Krispy Kremes. Two a day and you'll never get swine flu, you know.