Jewish World Review Nov. 25, 2009 / 8 Kislev 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Thanksgiving Day travel was predicted to be heavy by the Auto Club as American families gather this week. It's a tradition four centuries old. The first turkeys weren't wild, they just went crazy when they found out what we planned to do with them.
President Obama's job approval ratings fell below fifty percent after his Asia trip Friday. He didn't realize that bowing to the Emperor of Japan would bother Americans. It's incredible that he grew up in Honolulu and never noticed the big dent.
ACORN offices in Los Angeles were videotaped counseling an undercover journalist how to set up a prostitution ring with underage girls. The pressure's really on. Roman Polanski could be extradited any day now and Los Angeles has to prepare his welcome home party.
Los Angeles cops vowed Friday to shut down rogue medical marijuana shops. They are supposed to be collectives but many are making a profit. Medical marijuana is legal under an Obama administration order but making a profit's a shooting offense.
Senate Democrats proposed a tax on all plastic surgery procedures Friday. It's the nation's hobby. Last week a woman in Beverly Hills ordered her plastic surgeon to make her just like Jessica Simpson, so he gave her breast implants and a lobotomy.
Oprah Winfrey announced Thursday she will take the Oprah Winfrey show off the air in two years when her deal expires. Her success has changed America. People used to enter their daughters in beauty pageants if they wanted them to become rich and famous, now they feed them sugary drinks and send them on dates with sleazy uncles.
Congress will probe how the Army missed signs of Major Nidal Hasan's radicalism before he shot up Fort Hood. He preached terrorist doctrine and the Army didn't kick him out. The Army needs to redefine jihad as gay behavior so this never happens again.
Attorney General Eric Holder addressed an Arab-American banquet in Detroit. He promised them they'll never be profiled. He was speaking to an empty room because most of the crowd had not made it through the metal detectors and Geiger counters yet.
The House Armed Services Committee invited the Secretary of Defense and the Attorney General to testify next week about the decision to bring the 9-11 plotters to New York for trial. The Democrats were all on board until the phones started ringing. It took the people who were upset about the terror trials three days to get through because the phone lines were jammed by the people upset about the bow to the Emperor of Japan.
President Obama will pardon a Thanksgiving turkey on the White House lawn today. There's a big fight over where they're going to send the pardoned turkey to live out its final years. The Treasury Department and the Congress are full.
The Dubai Open was played Sunday on a brand-new golf course designed by Greg Norman. He explained that the sand in the traps was imported from North Carolina because the sand in Arabia isn't good enough for golf. Al-Qaeda was looking for one more reason in order to justify the Thanksgiving attack and Greg Norman delivered big time.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton