Jewish World Review Nov. 19, 2009 / 2 Kislev 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Sarah Palin was vilified in this week's Newsweek, featuring her picture on the cover. The magazine airbrushed out a blue bar and star banner in the photo, which indicated she has a son in Iraq. The editors thought it was a variation of the Confederate flag.
Jenna Bush told Jay Leno last week the White House is haunted, saying she heard ghosts late at night in the living quarters. White House servants told her that presidents from previous centuries haunt the place. If one more ghost orders President Obama to run and fetch him a mint julep he's moving across the street to the Mayflower.
President Obama answered questions from Chinese college kids Sunday which were carefully pre-selected by Chinese officials. They understand the importance of making sure everything's completely scripted. It explains why the NBA is so popular in China.
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez said Monday he will board planes and help seed clouds to try to get rain to fall on his drought-stricken country. He doesn't understand the consequences. Seeding the clouds could get him arrested under the Pee Wee Herman Law.
Ft. Hood assassin Major Nidal Hasan was revealed Monday to have been a frequent customer of topless bars. So were the World Trade Center bombers. Part of al-Qaeda's training is a post-hypnotic suggestion to flip out at the sight of a butterfly tattoo.
Bruce Springsteen walked on stage in Michigan Sunday and told the audience how great it is to be in Ohio. It's sad to see Baby Boomers age onstage. Mick Jagger thinks that he's with a different woman every night and he hasn't cheated in two years.
Senator Dick Durbin announced Monday he wants terrorists to be transferred from Guantanamo Bay to an empty federal prison in Illinois. It's a good fit. The Arabs haven't won a war in a hundred years and according to FBI profilers, they're Cubs fans.
Butterball drew protests Monday over the way turkeys are slaughtered for Thanksgiving dinner. It varies. Some farms wring their necks, while some farms run them through a shredder, while New Yorkers prefer to push them in front of a moving subway train.
NASA announced Thursday the Lunar Explorer discovered water on the moon in the form of ice amassed over billions of years. Scientists were jubilant. They found exactly what they were looking for, an excuse to fund NASA for the next twenty years.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton