Jewish World Review Nov. 18, 2009 / 1 Kislev 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Obama addressed Chinese students Sunday where he urged China to stop censoring the Internet. The Chinese government refused to televise his speech. They didn't want to infuriate their country by pre-empting their weekly dance contest.
The Justice Department announced Friday that World Trade Center attack plotter Khalid Sheik Muhammed will be tried in the Manhattan federal court downtown. It's not going to be a typical jury trial. The way it works is, the court will be called into session and if the World Trade Center comes out and sees its shadow, he will be let off.
New Yorkers were angry Friday about the decision to try the World Trade Center plotters in a Manhattan court. It's presents a huge challenge to the locals. Alex Rodriguez will have to elope with David Letterman just to get their names in the Post.
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez vowed Friday to rid his country of golf. A ban on golf could cripple his nation's economy. In six months Venezuela will have no hard currency at all and that's just from Michael Jordan taking his wagering elsewhere.
Al-Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Alwaki told a Yemen newspaper that he exchanged e-mails with Fort Hood assassin Major Nidal Hasan. The FBI intercepted the e-mails and said some of what Hasan wrote was benign and the rest was protected by the First Amendment. As long as killing Americans is part of your religious belief, we must be tolerant of it.
Tiger Woods won the Australian Masters Sunday before the largest golf gallery in their history. His winnings include a three million dollar appearance fee, half financed by the Victorian government. When Australian lawmakers insisted that all stimulus dollars be used for minority hiring, this was not what they had in mind.
Arnold Schwarzenegger made a speech to U.S. troops in Baghdad Monday. He offered to meet all of them in the weight room the next morning. Anybody who wanted to get kicked out of the military could line up and be photographed with him without a shirt.
The New York Stock Exchange ordered all traders to get swine flu shots Friday to protect the other traders on the floor. The traders have resisted getting the shots. The government has been sticking it to them so much lately they don't have a good vein left.
The White House announced last week that U.S. unemployment is now over ten percent. It has resulted in a whole new set of social cues. Putting on your overcoat used to be a signal to your family that you're going out, now it means you're turning off the heat.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton