Jewish World Review Nov. 19, 2008 / 21 Mar-Cheshvan 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Ringling Brothers was scheduled to go on trial for elephant abuse this week in Washington D.C. but the trial got delayed. They're having trouble finding an impartial jury. Everyone is so mad at Republicans they won't convict anyone who'd assault an elephant.
West Virginia made the news Monday when a survey said Huntington was the number-one city in residents with no teeth, poor health and obesity. At least they have the best investment bankers in the whole world. They have all their money in Grocery Sacks.
Mexico City's mayor said Monday the city will begin giving free anti-impotence pills to men over seventy. It's a humanitarian gesture. They heard the Los Angeles school system is laying off teachers and they want to do everything they can to help.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was accused by the SEC of engaging in insider trading four years ago. Federal authorities say he was trying to avoid losses. If losses make Mark Cuban queasy he's making a mistake trying to buy the Chicago Cubs.
John Kerry was reported Monday to be seeking the Secretary of State nomination. His skills are well-known. He lost the presidential race four years ago when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he's not just any idiot.
The National Enquirer obtained a soiled diaper of the infant denied by John Edwards Friday and they're looking for a DNA sample from Edwards for a paternity test. He's sunk. Barbers in Beverly Hills send their kids to college by saving everybody's hair sample.
Barack Obama's team hinted Thursday he may keep Secretary of Defense Bob Gates at his post. It makes sense now. When Barack Obama said he would pull U.S. troops out of Iraq within thirty days, we didn't know yet that he only talks in Biblical days.
The Barack Obama fashion line was launched by a clothing designer in Bosnia on Wednesday to capitalize on the president-elect's popularity. Well, that's gratitude for you. Bill Clinton personally saved Bosnia and he didn't get so much as a shoe deal.
Barack Obama huddled with his advisers all week and worked on picking his cabinet. He faces more problems than any incoming president in memory. Iran is testing missiles, Russia is threatening Poland, the economic crisis is getting worse each day and his mother-in-law is moving in with him.
The Mercantile Exchange saw oil fall to fifty-six dollars a barrel Wednesday as gas hit a dollar fifty a gallon. Suddenly there's no interest at all in alternative fuels. Ed Begley Jr. is once again the only white guy riding on the bus in Los Angeles.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton