Jewish World Review Nov. 5, 2008 / 7 Mar-Cheshvan 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Hubble Telescope sent back photographs which astonished astronomers Monday, showing that the planet Mercury is covered in a mysterious blue gooey substance. It's no mystery. It's just Tim Russert out there somewhere awarding Mercury to Barack Obama.
Election Day had the biggest voter turnout ever Tuesday. The voters faced three choices. We had to elect an older president, or a younger president, or place the U.S. under British trusteeship til the Baby Boom generation can produce a responsible adult.
The Gallup Poll early exit polls Tuesday showed that the top issue for American voters was the economy. Things have changed a lot. Eight years ago you were asked to vote for the candidate with whom you'd rather have a beer, and Tuesday we elected the candidate we thought will drive us to rehab without any further damage to the car.
Barack Obama upset coal miners on Monday after he was heard on tape vowing to bankrupt coal producers. Coal mining is one of the few remaining American industries that pays workers really well. This proves once and for all that Mexicans are afraid of the dark.
Joe Biden was in Missouri Monday where he spoke to a crowd in Lee's Summit. He cited the town's Confederate namesake. Joe Biden stood onstage and reminded them that the nation united after General Grant went on television and conceded to Robert E. Lee.
John Edwards did no campaigning for the national ticket last weekend due to his sex scandal. He'd never hurt the party. The morning he slept with his mistress he changed his affiliation to Republican and went back to the Democrats the following day.
The Treasury Department worked Monday to give relief to over-extended homeowners and auto companies on top of nine banks, Bear Stearns and AIG. It's all courtesy of the taxpayer. Rickey Henderson's Major League record for most steals was broken halfway through the bailout bill.
The Federal Election Commission stated Monday that the presidential candidates together spent more than a billion dollars over the last two years trying to get a four hundred thousand dollar a year job. No one knows why. If it's not the money there must be a sexual gratification in the power to appoint judges that nobody else knows about.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton