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February 13, 2012
Binyamin Rose: Back to the Bunker: How a life-risking act by a Christian family during the Holocaust saved a family and built a thriving community a world away
Menachem Wecker: Business Schools Teach Real Estate Despite Troubled Housing Market
February 10, 2012
Lisa M. Krieger: Man with defibrillator demands access to his own heart's information
David G. Savage: Why activists may not be in a hurry to have High Court rule on alternative marriage
February 9, 2012
Laura McMullen: 10 Least Expensive Public Schools for Out-of-State Students
Kimberly Palmer: How to actually enjoy -- relaxing, financially -- your vacation
February 8, 2012
Warren Richey: Why momentous Prop. 8 ruling might not satisfy gay-rights groups
Menachem Wecker: Though Controversial, LL.M.'s Can Lead to Specialized Legal Jobs
The Kosher Gourmet byDana Velden: Going to the bother of making soup? You know it better be good. This CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP certainly is! And it's a cinch to make, too (Includes techinques and serving secrets)
February 7, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Caught off-guard? President's Super Bowl interview with Matt Lauer gives those who need a reason not to vote for him, a darn good one
Suzanne Bohan: Leaping lizards! Tiny reptiles advancing robot design
February 6, 2012
Jonathan Tobin: Iran Threatens Israel With Destruction, But the New York Times Doesn't Hear It
Jeffrey Fleishman: In newly democratic Egypt, tens of democracy activists jailed, to stand trial; their groups are 'threatening the stability of the homeland'
Julie Deardorff : Researchers say antioxidants may not be that effective and could do more harm than good
Mark Clayton: How did Anonymous hackers eavesdrop on FBI and Scotland Yard?
February 3, 2012
Edmund Sanders : Israeli official says Iran is creating missile that could reach East Coast of US
Victoria Kim: Immigrant-smuggling ring used black drivers to avoid racial profiling
February 2, 2012
Jim Carney: Wrong number call may have saved her life
Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
Tina Susman: For woodchuck rescuer, every day is Groundhog Day
February 1, 2012
Brian Bennett: US officials see increasing threat of domestic attack from Iran
Emily Brandon: How to Take Advantage of New 401(k) Fee Disclosures
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
Suzanne Bohan: Warning: Nap-deprived tots missing more than sleep, study finds
Meg Handley: Banks Revamping Rewards Programs to Woo Customers
January 27, 2012
Caroline B. Glick: Obama: Of course I intend to prevent a nuclear holocaust . . . in a few months
Yochonon Donn: In liberal New York City, fervently-Orthodox Jews may soon be getting a district to call their own
Jeannine Stein: An inflated ego and thinking you're 'all that' doesn't just make others sick of you, it can make you ill
Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
January 26, 2012
Ed Koch: To the New York Times, calling for the murder of Jews by those capable of having their incitement taken seriously isn't news
Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
January 25, 2012
Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
Fred Weir: Putin: Multiethnic Russia cannot survive as a US-style 'melting pot'; must find its own way
Susan Johnston: 5 Sneaky Coupon Strategies Consumers Should Watch Out For
January 24, 2012
Carol Clark: The price of your soul: How your brain decides whether to 'sell out'
Caroline B. Glick: America lost most in 'Arab Spring'. Sadly, many voters still don't grasp the extent
Warren Richey: Drug criminal scores win in GPS ruling from conservative-leaning high court
Erika Bolstad: Black conservatives gather to talk about gaining strength
January 23, 2012
Melissa Dribben: Jewish voters to play a key role in Florida's Republican primary
Jordan Rau: In quest to grow, Catholic hospital system will announce this morning its break from church
Ali Safi: U.S. envoy gives Taliban terms for peace talks
January 19, 2012
January 18, 2012
January 17, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: No-kidding red lines: U.S. response to an Iranian nuke may be bluster, but Israel's won't be
David G. Savage: They sued their principals after slandering them online --- now the cases are headed to the Supreme Court
David Francis: Where to Invest in 2012: With stocks expected to rebound, opportunity abounds for investors
January 13, 2012
Ben Lynfield: Israeli lawmakers move to annex Jewish Judea, one museum at a time
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Thriving through touch: Gentle massage helps older people with low mobility improve in mind and body
January 12, 2012
Warren Richey: Landmark Supreme Court ruling a 'resounding win' for religious groups
Warren Richey: Supreme Court says no to new rule on eyewitness testimony
John Fauber : Statins found to raise diabetes risk in postmenopausal women
Katy Hopkins : Consider This Before You Pay for an Online Degree
The Kosher Gourmet by Joseph Erdos: This mushroom and barley soup has an intense -- almost nutty -- flavor that mixes robust with Middle East. It has creaminess without cream
January 11, 2012
Shari Roan: Millions of atrial fibrillation sufferers at risk for devastating, but preventable, stroke
Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
David G. Savage: High court signals it won't be loosening TV's 'indecency' rules
Stephen Ceasar: Oklahoma's Islamic law amendment can't go into effect, court rules
January 10, 2012
Reza Kahlili: From an ex-CIA spy: US must exploit new split in Iran's Revolutionary Guard
Karen Kaplan: Study: Nicotine replacement products ineffective when used in real-life situations
January 9, 2012
Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
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Jewish World Review
Nov. 6, 2008
/ 8 Mar-Cheshvan 5769
Something does not compute
By
Malcolm Fleschner
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
In this, the age of technology, there's no surer sign that you've "arrived" than if your work emails are deemed important enough to carry an automatically generated confidentiality disclaimer at the bottom. You've no doubt received such emails, concluding with a vague threat like:
"This message is private and intended solely for the use of the addressee. No one but the intended recipient may read, forward, transcribe, act on or even inhale deeply anywhere near the information enclosed without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball. So don't get any funny ideas. This computer will self-destruct in ten seconds."
These disclaimers may seem severe, but they convey a strong message from companies that unauthorized persons should not have access to employees' sensitive emails containing highly confidential lists of flatulence jokes and embedded YouTube videos of cats scuba diving.
By contrast, my emails convey a very different message, the message that I am not to be taken seriously, that I'm hopelessly out of date, that the only appropriate response to receiving an email from me is pity. I say this because, much as I hate to admit it publicly, my primary email provider is… America Online.
You remember AOL, right? It's the company that back in the 90s used to send out dozens of promotional CD-ROMs to anyone who could conclusively prove that they had a mailing address. The operative theory was that with so many CDs flooding your home, the odds were good that at least one of them would somehow find its way into your disk drive (note: the same principle explains human reproduction).
Well, AOL is still around, supported almost exclusively by those of us too lazy or technologically challenged to switch to the far superior services from Hotmail, Yahoo or Google. As a result, sending an email from an AOL address has become today's Internet equivalent of showing up to compete in the Tour de France riding one of those old-fashioned bikes with the giant front wheel.
Over time, I've grown accustomed to the resulting lack of respect from my more tech-savvy friends, colleagues and elderly relatives. But now I'm worried that the same disdainful attitude may have infected my computer as well. Looking back, I think the trouble started the day my AOL prompts all inexplicably began appearing in Spanish.
Now I admit my memory is far from perfect, but I was pretty sure I hadn't recently learned Spanish and then adjusted my settings to reflect my new fluency. Thankfully, I was able to find the page on AOL where I could click a box to switch everything back to English. It was refreshing to know that correcting such an obvious error was so easy. It almost makes up for the fact that doing so made absolutely no difference, and all my AOL prompts continue to be in Spanish. Frankly, I'm probably lucky they haven't all switched over to Klingon.
But I suspect that, as a result of this episode, my computer simply decided to take it easy. Its one-time lightning-fast performance slowed to a crawl; not only does it take more than 20 minutes to boot up, but frequently when I become particularly demanding and, say, try to open a new browser window, the computer's immediate response is… nothing. For upwards of a minute or two the computer just sits there, humming away, filing its virtual nails as I grow increasingly impatient. Then, just as I'm about to put my fist through the monitor, the screen jumps to life, as if to say, "Oh! Did you want a new browser window? Sorry about that here you go!"
I guess the reason I haven't done much to solve the problem is that these performance issues only came on gradually, steadily worsening over the course of a few months. In this way I'm like the frog that's placed into a pot of cold water on the stove and, no matter how hot the water gets, the frog just sits there, ignorant of the danger, passively waiting for a new browser page to open.
Which is not to say that I've done nothing at all. At one point, thinking that my computer woes might be the result of some sort of cyber-infection, I did purchase and install a range of programs promising to rid me of all spyware, adware and viruses. The new programs had an immediate effect my computer now runs slower than ever.
Well, now I've reached my limit. From now on I will no longer let my computer push me around just because I generally demonstrate less technological competence than a chimpanzee catching termites with a stick. I'm going to solve my computer problems by attacking the source and doing something I should have done a long time ago. I'm going to start learning Spanish.
JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.
Previously:
10/30/08: Early adopters tech their chances
10/21/08: Cyberspace invaders
10/21/08: Keeping up disappearances
09/17/08: Victims of math hysteria
08/07/08: My newfound sense of self (promotion)
06/24/08: Getting the brand back together
05/29/08: Phrased and confused
05/13/08: Take this job and love it
04/17/08: News you can (re)use
04/02/08: Commercial (over)load
02/20/08: An overdose of reality
02/14/08: A developing situation
01/30/08: I can tech it or leave it
01/02/08: Confessions of a coke addict
01/02/08: Our bills are due
12/13/07: Going (to lunch) once, going twice…
11/28/07: Out with the old
11/06/07: My latest pet project
11/06/07: Can't tune it out
10/23/07: Something special in the hair
09/12/07: Can I have your attention, please?
09/12/07: Houston, we have an image problem
08/21/07: In the heat of fashion
08/09/07: Let's get in the game
06/13/07: You gonna eat that?
05/08/07: That's disinter-tainment
05/02/07:You Are (not) Getting Sleepy...
04/18/07: No time like Father Time
03/15/07: Deface the Nation
03/08/07: More gifts? You shouldn't have
02/22/07: Relationships can be such a chore
12/05/06: Who's calling the shots?
11/09/06: I'm taking selling to a whole new level
10/27/06: Some skills are beyond repair
10/18/06: You can't tech it with you
10/04/06: Award to the wise
08/24/06: Phrased and Confused
08/09/06: We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99
07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain
05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again?
05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning
© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner
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