Jewish World Review Nov. 15, 2007 / 5 Kislev 5768

Sound bites not easy in Southern

By Celia Rivenbark

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | There are certain things you don't ever expect to really happen. Things like Dennis Kucinich getting elected president or, say, "Good Morning America" filming a segment in your living room.

Maybe the elfin Dem with the hottie wife has a shot because, I'm telling you, there was "GMA" in my living room last week talking to me, and my friends, about the proliferation of skanky kids' clothes in stores.

It's a hot topic these days and, quick as you can say "shameless self-promoter," I can artfully manage to drop the name of my book, "Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like A Skank," into casual conversation a minimum of eight to 10 times.

By the end of the week, I felt like I was living somebody else's life, someone infinitely more interesting. CNN. Fox. "Inside Edition." ... It was a veritable skank-o-rama and, thanks to the publicity gods, I was right in the exposed midriff of it all.

GMA's correspondent, Andrea Canning, showed up apologizing for her appearance, having stayed up all night to work on the story at a New Jersey mall, where she found a gaggle of "prostitots" to interview. TV people are not like you and me. She was fresh of face with perfect hair and claimed to be "haggard." I'd had a full night's sleep and new highlights and still looked like the Unabomber.

I learned a lot from my new TV friends. Andrea asked many questions, then listened to my long, rambling Southern-style answers before saying, gently, "Maybe make it a little shorter?"

This is difficult for a Southerner because we are storytellers at heart. You ask what time it is and, yes, we tell you how to build a watch. But Andrea was a good teacher and, after a few hours, we'd whittled my lavish description of how concerned moms could pair some nice chocolate, lace-edged leggings with a shorter jumper for a non-skank fashion alternative, down to "This is nice."

The folks at "Inside Edition" were the same except they tended to ask the same question again and again until I finally answered everything in one word, no matter how complicated the question. It's a TV thing; try to understand.

IE: What's driving this trend of inappropriate clothing for very young children?

Me: Well, I believe that

IE: That's nice; can you make it shorter?

Me: Yes.

IE: Perfect. That's all we need. Goodbye.

The guy chatting amiably into my right ear at CNN was all personality and bluster and I enjoyed talking in monosyllables to him. I tried to sound like Nancy Grace, only nice, but ... What's that? My 15 minutes of fame is up? So soon? Dang.