Jewish World Review Nov. 28, 2007 / 18 Kislev 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Bush welcomed delegates from forty nations Tuesday to his Middle East peace conference in Maryland. People just laughed. President Bush hosting a Middle East peace conference is like Malibu advertising itself as a sensible place to build.
Miss Puerto Rico was sabotaged at her pageant Sunday by someone who put pepper spray inside her gown and poison in her lipstick. The audience demanded a refund. People came to watch the Miss Puerto Rico pageant and a Miss Russia pageant broke out.
Miami Dolphins' star Ricky Williams returned in time for the Pittsburgh Steelers game after a long suspension for pot. Reaction was swift. The Steelers signed Willie Nelson to get up there and tackle Ricky Williams no matter how high he dives into the end zone.
The National Retail Federation said holiday shopping is down three percent this year. The numbers are misleading. Until somebody figures out how to put a bow on a tank of gasoline, it doesn't count as Christmas shopping no matter how much you pay for it.
John Edwards marched with striking screenwriters in Beverly Hills Monday. He's right at home here. We're the only people who know that his four-hundred-dollar haircut is what you pay at SuperCuts in Beverly Hills, but only if you have a coupon.
Bill Clinton flew to Iowa Tuesday to argue that Hillary is the most electable candidate. Everyone was glad to see him. Bill Clinton reminds us all of the time when crossing boundaries referred to sexual harassment and not Middle East invasions.
Newsweek on Monday spotlighted Rudy Giuliani's upbringing amid all the cops and mobsters in his family. You either want to keep New York safe or you don't. Not even the janitors' union struck the World Trade Center when John Gotti protected the place.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton