Jewish World Review Nov. 23, 2007 / 13 Kislev 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Weather Channel warned Monday that stormy weather would delay Thanksgiving travel across the nation. It was slow. Delays were so long at Minneapolis Airport that Senator Larry Craig went to the men's room because he had to go to the men's room.
Superman star Brandon Routh will marry Courtney Ford Saturday at the Santa Barbara ranch of producer Jon Peters, and Governor Schwarzenegger closed the airspace over the ranch. That's how tough it is to travel on the holidays. Even Superman's grounded.
Macy's held its annual Thanksgiving Day Parade down Broadway in New York on Thursday. They had extra guide ropes on all the balloons to make sure they didn't crash into any of the buildings. Nobody wanted to see Underdog wind up at Guantanamo.
Oil prices hit ninety-eight dollars a barrel Monday in New York trading. This is past crazy. Gasoline is so expensive that Bloomingdale's is going to put it in bottles this Christmas and sell it as a fragrance called Elizabeth Taylor's Hard Miles.
The U.S. will attempt Mideast peace talks in Maryland Tuesday. Lebanon is being run by Hezbollah, Hamas controls the Gaza Strip, the U.S. has thrown its weight behind Saddam's old party in Iraq, and Iran is acquiring nuclear weapons. The way the war on terror is progressing, Americans are starting to wonder if President Bush is a double agent.
The Transportation Security Administration told U.S. airline passengers they must pack neatly. Officials say bags that have too much clutter in them will be pulled aside for more screening. This is the point where even the Germans say enough already.
Hillary Clinton mocked Barack Obama for saying his childhood in a foreign country gave him valuable foreign policy experience. She said voters don't consider that experience. It's not like he decorated the White House Christmas tree eight times.
Barack Obama told a high school class in New Hampshire Tuesday that when he was their age he experimented with illegal drugs and wasted a lot of time. He's forty-five years old, he's a United States senator and he's leading in Iowa for president. Who's he kidding, if he hadn't done cocaine it would have taken him ten years longer.
The U.S. Appeals Court agreed Monday to decide a case brought by the blind, who want U.S. currency resized. However, there is opposition. If Ben Franklin's head gets any bigger, the Baseball Hall of Fame won't accept anything larger than a twenty.
The House Subcommittee on Coast Guard and Maritime Transportation came to San Francisco Monday to hold hearings on the oil spill. They convened and dined at the Golden Gate Club at the Presidio. Never have the Oysters Rockefeller been so authentic.
Jay Leno and David Letterman forfeited their network salaries last week to honor the Writers Guild strike. No wonder Hillary is slipping in the polls. With the late-night shows in reruns everyone thinks her husband's seeing Monica Lewinsky again.
CBS News writers declared Monday they have voted to go on strike after working without a contract for a year. It's a huge break for the CBS Evening News. This is their chance to turn it into a talk show for women and really get their ratings up.
Barack Obama overtook Hillary Clinton by four points in Iowa polls Monday. Her poll numbers only go up when she's perceived as a wronged woman. Bill Clinton was last seen leafing through his little black book reciting Dr. King's Free at Last speech.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton