Jewish World Review Nov. 27, 2006 / 6 Kislev, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Miami Heat may have lost Shaquille O'Neal for the entire season due to a knee injury he suffered in a game last week. It's national news. The number of bricks he puts up during the season could have built that border fence with Mexico by now.
Black Friday started the Christmas shopping season last week. It's the day that pulls retailers out of the red and into the black, so it's called Black Friday. If Michael Richards talks about it onstage people will think he's censoring himself.
Michael Richards got a week of international publicity after his racist rant aired. It's ominous. If a racist rant can make a New Yorker world famous, then perhaps next year's Country Music Awards ought to be telecast on a five-second delay.
Bill and Hillary's street in Chappaqua was staked out by reporters on Friday after a neighbor claimed to be ambushed by a mystery shooter. The disbarred lawyer said he was driving with his wife when a total stranger jumped into the car and killed her, then fled. Even O.J. Simpson says the story doesn't pass the smell test.
Democratic congressman Alcee Hastings sent a letter to his colleagues Friday lobbying to chair the House Intelligence Committee. He said his impeachment and removal as a federal judge isn't a disqualifier. You're not allowed to join the House Leadership unless you have at least fifty thousand dollars in your freezer.
Borat's Sacha Baron Cohen was nominated for a Kazakh Arts Award Friday. The movie makes wicked fun of Kazakhstan, claiming it hosts the annual Running of the Jews festival. And today Kazahkstan leads the world in disappointed Muslim tourists.
The Democratic Party on Tuesday narrowed the field to New York and Denver for cities to host the 2008 party convention. It's a fierce fight. New York has all the electoral votes but marijuana is legal in Denver, so it could go either way.
Rudy Giuliani filed paperwork with the Federal Election Commission Wednesday for a presidential run. He's for gun control, he's pro-choice and he's pro-gay rights. Up until now, no one's been around to represent the Ted Kennedy Republicans.
Procter and Gamble set up twenty royally luxurious public restrooms in Times Square Tuesday to promote Charmin. They will remain there for the holidays. New York City is already famous for its unique public restrooms, they double as subways.
Burger King was sued by two New Mexico policemen who were served two burgers laced with marijuana one night. The watch commander figured it out later. He logged six burglary calls during their shift, all involving emptied out refrigerators.
O.J. Simpson admitted Wednesday he wrote his now-canceled hypothetical confession book to pay bills. He won't return the money. People in Los Angeles knew that once he got away with double murder, he could never be trusted to refund an advance.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton