Jewish World Review Nov. 17, 2006 / 26 Mar-Cheshvan, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Rudy Giuliani tossed his hat in the ring for president Monday. He's got a shot at being elected. As New York mayor he refused a ten million dollar donation from a Saudi prince, which proves conclusively that former President Bush is not his father.
The FBI arrested a Los Angeles man Monday for sending out sixteen letters to news anchors and pundits and comedians in envelopes filled with white powder. The substances were immediately tested. When it wasn't cocaine, they called the FBI.
San Francisco dropped its bid to host the Summer Olympics Tuesday. One factor was the virulent anti-Americanism in countries around the world. The city was afraid these athletes would feel so at home in San Francisco they might never leave.
Twentieth Century Fox was sued by two South Carolina fraternity brothers who appeared in Borat. The boys said the producers got them drunk to get them to say they wish they had slaves. Mark Foley's new story is that he was edited out of Borat.
Men's Health magazine quoted a medical study showing that drinking two glasses of red wine a day is beneficial for long-term health. It's a start. The surest way to wake up and smell the roses every day is to go to sleep face down in the flower bed.
House freshmen arrived on Capitol Hill for orientation on Monday. There are fifty newcomers to the new Congress and none of them know their way around yet. Thank goodness for those guys on the lawn chairs selling Maps to the Lobbyists' Homes.
Capitol Hill welcomed incoming House freshmen for orientation Monday. The week is designed to give new congressmen their bearings in the nation's capital. It also gives the congressional pages a chance to scout for promising blackmail targets.
The New York Mets sold their new stadium name to CitiCorp for twenty million per year. It wasn't their first choice. They were going to name the stadium after Jackie Robinson, but the widow could only come up with three million dollars a year.
Borat topped the box office for the second week in a row Sunday. It's a mock documentary that's being sued by everyone who was tricked into appearing in it. The Trial Lawyers Association just endorsed Borat as the Feel Good Movie of the Year.
The International Civil Aviation Board announced it will raise the retirement age for airline pilots from sixty to sixty-five. It's only right. Just because the Rolling Stones got sober doesn't mean the rest of the sixty-year-olds can't fly.
Hillary Clinton laid out her legislative agenda Monday at a breakfast hosted by the Association for a Better New York. Her presidential ambitions have a lot of support in Hollywood. The prospect of Bill Clinton in the White House with nothing to do has comedians flocking to church and making deals with G-d.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton