Jewish World Review Nov. 28, 2005 / 26 Mar-Cheshvan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
FEMA's former director Michael Brown announced Friday he's
setting up a consulting company. He will offer governments and
groups his expertise on disaster preparedness. Every American's
just hoping and praying that al-Qaeda takes the bait and hires him.
Macy's launched the holiday shopping season with its
Thanksgiving Day Parade in Manhattan Thursday. The first signs are
mixed at best. Wal-Mart reported brisk sales on Friday, prompting
textile factory managers in China to double the drum beat.
Tom Cruise discussed his plans with Katie Holmes for
parenthood Tuesday. The couple just purchased a sonogram machine
and began photographing the baby. He said they are unable to tell
if it's a boy or a girl, so it's Tom's baby, all right.
Major League Baseball agreed last week to new drug penalties
for players. They must be tested for steroids, cocaine, marijuana
and amphetamines. The players should have read that exclusivity
clause when they signed their deal with Budweiser.
Fleetwood Mac's Mick Fleetwood said Tuesday all the cocaine
he snorted would stretch five miles long. It's quite a
testimonial. To this day no one knows how many copies of the
Hunter S. Thompson workout video were sold during the infomercial.
Cindy Sheehan held an anti-war rally Friday outside the
president's ranch in Texas. She unveiled a stone monument carved
with the words Sheehan's Stand. The sheriff took one look at it
and arrested her for selling lemonade without a license.
Arnold Schwarzenegger said Friday he'll consider granting
clemency for Crips founder Tookie Williams. The governor is a real
gentleman. He feels it's only right to give Californians a second
chance to elect Gary Coleman or the porn star.
Prime Minister Tony Blair's new drinking policy took effect
in Great Britain on Wednesday. Pubs may now stay open twenty-four
hours a day. The surest way for a welfare state to get a grip on
health care costs is to increase car accidents.
Tiger Woods won the PGA Grand Slam of Golf Wednesday against
Vijay Singh and Phil Mickelson and Michael Campbell in a barrage
of booming drives and birdies. Everybody loves a shoot-out. This
is why more Arabs name their sons Udey than Saddam.
German police searched a mosque and twenty-two homes in
Germany Tuesday. The Germans were knocking down doors and
ransacking houses, pursuing an outlawed Muslim group. It might be
good for al-Qaeda to see things from the Jews' perspective.
NASA said Tuesday they don't know why chunks of insulation
foam flew off the shuttle in July but they won't cancel the next
mission. You can't doubt the courage of America's astronauts. Neil
Armstrong came back to this earth and he had a choice.
A U.N. report said Wednesday opium production in Afghanistan
is declining. Last year one of five farmers decided to plant
something else. So far two hundred and fifty U.N. agriculture
inspectors are missing and no one knows what's happened to them.
U.S. Congresswoman Jean Schmidt apologized for calling John
Murtha a coward on the House floor. She twisted her face and
tilted her head and blasted him out of the side of her mouth. Bill
Clinton has this nightmare at least twice a week.
Anderson Cooper reported on CNN Tuesday how Los Angeles has
become a dumping ground for the mentally ill. It's a sad ritual.
The buses pull into town every night and the doors open and
another two dozen people are dumped into acting class.
Hurricane Katrina was blamed by sugar growers Wednesday for higher prices for candy, cakes and doughnuts. It won't put a dent in the obesity epidemic. The American people will go anywhere, bear any burden and pay any price for the next Snickers bar.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton