Jewish World Review Nov. 22, 2005 / 20 Mar-Cheshvan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Robert Blake was found liable for the death of his wife
Friday. He testified on the stand for eight days and all it got
him was a bill for thirty million dollars. For sixty years
directors have tried in vain to tell him that less is more.
The Weather Channel reported wildfires in Los Angeles
Saturday as desert winds caused record heat. Everyone is
miserable. It was so hot that Russell Crowe came downstairs in the
Beverly Wilshire Hotel and threw a bucket of ice at the concierge.
The Golf Channel announced Saturday it will produce a
reality show in which cameras and microphones will record John
Daly's life both on and off the golf course. He also happens to be
a big baseball fan. His favorite pitcher is Bud Light.
Congressman John Murtha called for a pull-out from Iraq
Thursday. The pro-war Democrat blindsided Republicans by saying
it's time to bring the troops home. It's like Bobby Knight telling
you it's time to get some anger management counseling.
Bob Woodward admitted Tuesday he was told a CIA agent's
identity by a White House source. He's not the same hungry
reporter who busted Richard Nixon. While negotiating his next book
proposal he met in a garage every night with Deep Pockets.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire set an opening weekend
box office record Friday. Pride and Prejudice is also a hit. This
Thursday, American families will gather at dinner tables to humor
the Pilgrims' belief that they had escaped England.
Philadelphia Eagles star Terrell Owens pleaded for
reinstatement Friday after being suspended for insubordination. He
catches everything thrown his way and he has tremendous speed.
It's easier to overthrow Fidel Castro than it is Terrell Owens.
Bill Clinton urged all restaurants Friday to change their
menus to healthy food. He referred to lettuce, carrots, celery and
mineral water. You knew it was just a matter of time before Bill
Clinton was the spokesman for the Supermodel Diet.
Congress voted itself a three-thousand-dollar pay raise
Friday and postponed work on budget bills until after their two-
week vacation. One question. What on earth does the Iraqi Assembly
have against establishing an American-style democracy?
The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce hired painters on Saturday
to touch up the Hollywood sign above Los Angeles. Business is
booming. This week all the acting schools are jam-packed with
turkeys studying how to pass themselves off as ostriches.
Business Week said Tuesday office Christmas parties are back
in fashion this year. It's a chance for workers and bosses to get
together for a few drinks. The only bad part about holiday office
parties is having to look for a job the next day.
Yale banned tailgating parties before the Harvard game
Saturday in an effort to cut down on campus drinking. It will
never work. Albert Einstein decided to split the atom only after
he gave up trying to separate college students from beer.
The Washington Times reported Thursday that President Bush
is not speaking to his father. They nearly came to blows over Iraq
policy. This week the Bush family may have to eat their turkey
with their hands because the Secret Service won't let them have knives.
Arnold Schwarzenegger toured a steel plant in China
Thursday. The plant uses California technology to handle
wastewater pollution. Californians pioneered the process of
converting industrial sewage into prime-time television programming.
The Mega Millions lottery was won Thursday by a group of California lab technicians who work together in an Orange County hospital. Seven people get to split three hundred and fifteen million dollars. It works just like hurricane relief contracts.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton