Jewish World Review Nov. 21, 2005 / 19 Mar-Cheshvan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire set an opening weekend
box office record Friday. Pride and Prejudice is also a hit. This
Thursday, American families will gather at dinner tables to humor
the Pilgrims' belief that they had escaped England.
Philadelphia Eagles star Terrell Owens pleaded for
reinstatement Friday after being suspended for insubordination. He
catches everything thrown his way and he has tremendous speed.
It's easier to overthrow Fidel Castro than it is Terrell Owens.
Bill Clinton urged all restaurants Friday to change their
menus to healthy food. He referred to lettuce, carrots, celery and
mineral water. You knew it was just a matter of time before Bill
Clinton was the spokesman for the Supermodel Diet.
Congress voted itself a three-thousand-dollar pay raise
Friday and postponed work on budget bills until after their two-
week vacation. One question. What on earth does the Iraqi Assembly
have against establishing an American-style democracy?
The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce hired painters on Saturday
to touch up the Hollywood sign above Los Angeles. Business is
booming. This week all the acting schools are jam-packed with
turkeys studying how to pass themselves off as ostriches.
Business Week said Tuesday office Christmas parties are back
in fashion this year. It's a chance for workers and bosses to get
together for a few drinks. The only bad part about holiday office
parties is having to look for a job the next day.
Yale banned tailgating parties before the Harvard game
Saturday in an effort to cut down on campus drinking. It will
never work. Albert Einstein decided to split the atom only after
he gave up trying to separate college students from beer.
The Washington Times reported Thursday that President Bush
is not speaking to his father. They nearly came to blows over Iraq
policy. This week the Bush family may have to eat their turkey
with their hands because the Secret Service won't let them have knives.
Arnold Schwarzenegger toured a steel plant in China
Thursday. The plant uses California technology to handle
wastewater pollution. Californians pioneered the process of
converting industrial sewage into prime-time television programming.
The Mega Millions lottery was won Thursday by a group of California lab technicians who work together in an Orange County hospital. Seven people get to split three hundred and fifteen million dollars. It works just like hurricane relief contracts.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2005, Argus Hamilton