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Jewish World Review
Nov. 12, 2003
/ 17 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764
What's a nice Jewish boy doing in a place like this?
Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder
When we were growing up, every Jewish mother wanted her son to become a doctor. A Jewish mother would look at her newborn son and dream of the day when she would be able to point to him as "My son, the doctor." She would look at the infant's fingers and say, "He could be a pianist with those fingers," but she really would like to say, "He has the hands of a surgeon." Then, with time, the compromises begin.
If he was not so bright, then he could be a lawyer and, if he was even dumber, he could always be an accountant but a politician never!
There is a certain illogic in all of this. For instance, nobody ever heard of a Jewish mugger. The truth is that everybody knows Jews are muggers but they are called lawyers. Of all the other available businesses, occupations and professions, in the history of the world, no one has ever heard of a Jewish mother wanting her child to be a politician.
A Jewish mother would want her son to enter the cesspool of politics? NEVER!
In America, most politicians are lawyers. A politician can do to a whole country what a lawyer-mugger can only do to one person at a time. But still, Jewish mothers will not wish their sons into politics.
The most obvious reason why a Jewish mother would not want her child to be a politician is because it is not steady work. A politician gets a job and even if he does it well, after the next election, he could be collecting unemployment insurance. Even Churchill, who did a magnificent job in leading Britain to victory in a war in which his country's very existence was at stake, was himself bombed out of office.
Another reason why Jewish parents do not want their children to become politicians is they feel a politician must, of necessity, call attention to himself. The old maxim is, "The nail that stands up is the one that gets hit with the hammer."
Recently, but for Florida which incidentally has one of the largest Jewish populations in America this country came close to having a Jew as its Vice President. As a matter of fact, Joseph Lieberman received more votes than the team that actually was declared the winner because of America's peculiar system of the Electoral College. Interestingly enough, many Jews did not vote for Senator Lieberman because they believed their future was more secure if a Jew were not in the public spotlight, running the country.
Jews have been blamed for everything from the two World Wars to economic collapses to genetic diseases. As it is, in the twisted thinking of some Muslim fanatics who not only claim that Israel is an aggressor nation and the cause of most of the world's present problems, in lunatic fashion they even claim that the Jews were responsible for the World Trade Center bombing that they had advance warning, evacuating the Center before the planes struck. And speaking of lunatics, Hitler claimed as proof that the Jews controlled the American media was that the Times backwards spelled "Semit" (apparently, in addition to his other shortcomings, he also could not spell) and that Roosevelt's real name was Rosenfeld.
The longstanding charge was that in America, Jews controlled the media and by financing the political parties, they were responsible for American foreign and domestic policy decisions. But America has never had a leader nationally elected, whereas Britain has had a born-one though he converted and may very well, in the person of Michael Howard, soon have another.
. Undoubtedly, there will be a charge born out of the twisted logic of fanatics that Michael Howard, if he became Prime Minister, obtained that office by a skein of events whereby the first step was the World Trade Center destruction of course, caused by Jews. So what if they were all Muslim fanatics. If it were not for the Jews, they would not be fanatics, and would all be driving cabs in N.Y.C. After the World Trade Center outrage, Bush declared war on terrorism because of Jewish pressure. Then, Tony Blair was sucked into the process barely surviving with his credibility intact, leaving the door open for Michael Howard to become Prime Minister. It makes perfect geometric logic if they let a person out of the asylum long enough to make this charge.
If Mr. Howard really wants to be Prime Minister, we have two suggestions. One: Play down the Romania connection. Mr. Howard's family comes from Romania. We are sure the Romanians are very fine people and they have accomplished great things, but unfortunately, we can't think of any of them and thank Heaven they did not do them in our neighborhood. The only famous Romanian we know was Dracula, and he is not the sort of fellow you'd invite out for a drink, unless you feel blood loss is a legitimate method of losing weight. And there is also the recipe for Romanian chicken stew that begins, "First you steal a chicken...".
Two: Ditch the Mets. Mr. Howard is a fan of American baseball but, unfortunately, he picked the New York Mets who have about the same chance of winning the championship as does Yasser Arafat of going to a burlesque show with Ariel Sharon. Support the other New York team, the Yankees. When they lose, they lose with class. Their losing gets more press than other teams winning. Even Hillary Clinton, who obviously thought that the Yankees were a bunch of people who won the Civil War, disturbed her hairdo enough to put on a Yankee cap for the photographers.
As Home Secretary, Mr. Howard pressed for a "Three strikes, you're out policy." In baseball, that is certainly the rule (ask the Mets), but in politics sometimes it's "One strike, you're out."
But, also, sometimes even a new player can hit a home run the first time at bat.
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© 2003, Jackie Mason & Raul Felder