Here are 2 things you may have wished somebody would have warned you about before you got married.
1) You are at the end of all your problems. . . but which end?
We want to believe marriage will solve our problems. Granted, it does solve or end some of your problems. However, it brings new ones into your life. Instead of thinking of marriage as an end, think of it as a new beginning. Even after you are married, the two of you will continue to grow and change both individually and as a couple. As you grow together, you will have more responsibility. Work together to overcome difficulties in your marriage. Realize that love alone is not strong enough to build a solid foundation. A solid foundation takes work and effort as you work through difficulties that bring you closer together. There are some common problems people often think marriage will solve. For instance, marriage will not erase your insecurities. If you are insecure before you get married, you will continue to be insecure unless you work through your difficulties.
2) Conflict is not a sign of dysfunction.
Conflict is part of every relationship. One of the top reasons for divorce is irreconcilable differences. I have worked with couples who think if they do not agree on everything, their marriage is a failure.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Couples who get divorced have about 8-10 irreconcilable differences, whereas happily married couples have about 8-10 irreconcilable differences. So what is the difference? The difference is how you communicate about these differences. Learn proper communication skills.
Part of effective conflict resolution is the ability and willingness to forgive. When you forgive, you are expressing a desire to make your marriage work.
Communication is absolutely vital and is more effective than silence. Issues will arise in your marriage. Having the ability and willingness to talk about and resolve issues is important. Remember that the two of you were raised in different environments with different ways of solving conflict.
Both ways may be positive and work, but they may also be very different. How you work through the conflict is more important than the conflict itself. As you learn to work together, you will learn the art of compromise and forgiveness.
Communication is more than talking. It is a balance of talking, listening and understanding. It involves paying attention to what your fiancé is thinking and feeling.
Good communication builds both parties up, increases self-esteem and is uplifting.
Love is the very foundation of a good marriage. As long as you choose to fortify your love in marriage, you will be happy. Marriage is what you make it and can be wonderful. Enjoy every moment, and do not let the small things get in the way of making it a happy marriage.
Remember, love is a choice. . . make the choice to love your spouse.
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Russell C. Gaede, PsyD is a relationship expert and licensed mental health professional. He travels around the world speaking to groups on relationships and other topics.