Jewish World Review Oct. 21, 2012/ 5 Mar-Cheshvan, 5773
Betting on a celebrity calamity
By Celia Rivenbark
On like unto Donkey Kong.
Meet my celebrity fantasy league team: Mamarazzi. The name practically ensures that I’ll beat the other seven teams in our league.
Turns out you don’t have to limit fantasy drafts to football or baseball as Duh Hubby has done for years. No, no. Turns out that there’s such a thing as a fantasy league in which you earn points each time a member of your roster of carefully chosen celebs gets a magazine cover or even a mention in the “People” chatter column. Or even an inside photo. Points are, sadly, deducted for stints in rehab.
I was over the moon when, after drawing numbers and drafting fourth, I got my all-time No. 1 choice: Britney Dammit Spears!
The rest of my team includes Adele (who should hatch soon enough to catapult Mamarazzi into first place in 8 weeks), Demi Moore, and Amanda Bynes. My alternates are Gwyneth Paltrow and scary low-talking New Jersey “Real Housewife” Dina Manzo. My guy team is: Ashton Kutcher, Ceelo, Jason Segal and paparazzi magnet Leo DiCaprio. My kid pick is Sasha Obama.
I know what you’re thinking: “What is she talking about? I’m going to do the Cryptoquote now.”
No! Don’t do it! Listen up! This is, finally, a way to make all those hours of, ahem, “research” pay off. I’ll admit I’m a little heavy on the ladies most likely to drink too much and end up wobbling on a La Cienega median wearing nearly nothing, but still – my team is golden.
Of course, the other team owners think the same and a few of them actually have something of a shot. I’m still more than a little cheesed that I didn’t get Reese Witherspoon or my No. 1 boy pick, Prince William. Truthfully, Sasha was only my third choice, coming after sad-eyed Suri Cruise or that darling little Chaz Bono-to-be, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.
Still, Team Mamarazzi will triumph. I know it as sure as I know that Jennifer Garner will continue throwing a litter and John Mayer will give Katy Perry a parting gift that requires penicillin.
I live, eat and breathe pop culture. That said, I openly wept when my new “People” arrived with stupid Blake Lively’s wedding photos all over it. I don’t get any points because the draft wasn’t in time for it to count this week. Soooo, while her Charleston plantation wedding to Ryan Reynolds (Scarjo’s alliterative ex) was lovely and all, it would’ve been much more useful to me if they had waited one stinkin’ week.
Celebrities are so self-absorbed, am I right?
You’re probably thinking this tracking and scoring takes time but thank goodness for the folks at www.celebrityfantasydraft.com. They upload standings every week. A friend who doesn’t have a team likes my chances: “I bet Britney melts down on “X Factor” this week,” she said.
“From your mouth to God’s ears,” I said somberly.