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December 2, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Oct. 15, 2012/ 29 Tishrei, 5773

Droopy Chia candidates get a do-over

By John Kass

John Kass


http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | (MCT) I have terrible news to report to Chumbolone Nation (aka American taxpayers) in the matter of the presidential Chia Heads.

They're dead.

If you recall, we executed an experiment to determine the winner of the presidential election. We don't use polls because one side or the other complains about the accuracy, sample size, yada yada. And we don't use phone surveys because some people have Obamaphones and others don't. So we decided on fair and impartial methodology:

Chia Heads.

A President Barack Obama head, from which Democrats and journalists across America can grow their Hopium and smoke it to soothe their liberal nerves. And a Willard "Mitt" Romney Chia Head, from which sprouts the narcotic known as Gropium. A few puffs and Republicans can almost imagine Romney as a conservative.

We put the heads in an undisclosed, secure location in Tribune Tower near the offices of the famed Col. Robert McCormick, where we were confident they'd get plenty of sun and warmth.

"You're making me feel really bad," said my able assistant Shooter. "I'm taking this very hard, you know."

And the reason she's taking all this really bad?

Shooter killed them both. Guilty! Guilty! Impossible, yes, but true. I'd forgotten the one rule of presidential Chia contests: Never put precious presidential Chias in the care of a serial plant killer. And so the inevitable happened.

They're dead.

Then Shooter compounded the indignity by taking a plastic knife and scraping off what remained from their skulls, in order to regrow their once-flowing green 'fros.

"They're not dead dead," Shooter insisted after I returned to work from my adventure with the stupid thumb and the emergency room. "Romney was doing so well. Except that he had a receding hairline, but it was growing out full near his ears. And Obama, he was bald, except there were tufts behind his ears.

"Then, what little bit both of them had kind of wilted. They just wilted a bit. They looked like they had receding hairlines."

And the one thing the American public cannot stand is a presidential candidate with bad hair. Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter had good hair. Both Bushes had hair. Ronald Reagan had extremely dark hair well into his 80s. But then you consider Gerald Ford. He was balding. And Richard Nixon's scalp would sweat. So there you are.

But no historical review will obscure the facts that the Chias are dead and Shooter killed them. The thing is, there are people with green thumbs. There is a columnist with an infected thumb. And then there are the others, the plant killers. In my zeal to grow enough Hopium for the newsroom in case of an Obama election disaster, and enough Gropium so I wouldn't notice Karl Rove crouching behind the Romney campaign, I'd ignored a fact I once learned about Shooter.

"I'm a serial plant killer," she confessed. "I was open and honest about my record with plants before this experiment began. And I told you that the last present my husband gave me was a cactus because he didn't want me to kill another plant. So you knew all that."

But I ... I ...

"So the guilt and the blame, it all falls on you," Shooter said. "You knew what you were doing."

I made a bad executive decision?

"Well, if someone tells you they kill things, would you give them the things they tell you they kill?"

Clearly, Shooter is well on her way to becoming an undersecretary of agriculture, or assuming some other Washington job where the real talent lies in discovering that the blame always lies elsewhere.

"It's not my fault if they're both poor candidates, that they're running poor campaigns. Look at the evidence," she said. "The wars, Libya, crises in the Middle East, the economy is bad, Big Bird might be out of a job. These things aren't my fault."

They're George Bush's fault, right?

"I'm just a gardener," she said.

I'm just a gardener.

A gardener who was given a cactus by her plant-loving husband.

"The cactus is still alive," Shooter said.

The Chias were still alive at one point, too, before Shooter worked her magic. Chia Romney really took off after the presidential debate, expanding in green, glorious waves. Then the job numbers came in, and the heads of both Romney and Obama became discolored and droopy. It's entirely possible that Shooter underwatered them and then overwatered them.

Obama was worse off. He seemed to sweat from his upper lip.

"It was more like crying," Shooter corrected. "It looked to me like Romney was sweating."

In any case, Chia Obama had trouble retaining moisture.

"His head just couldn't hold water," another witness said.

So Shooter persuaded me to approve a Chia redux. She scraped the heads, as I told you, holding them firmly while scouring their scalps with a clean plastic knife from the Corner Bakery, and then replanted them with more Chia seeds.

"I think it'll work this time, as long as we water them," she said, adding that when you don't water the Chias, "they get sad. They wilt. And you have no Hopium or Gropium crops."

Exactly.

So even though we're cutting it close to the election, we're redoing the Chia contest. One thing about Americans, we can learn from our mistakes and move forward.

I know that Republicans will accuse me of being part of a liberal media plot, since Romney was doing somewhat better than Obama before we decided to start over. But they should look at it this way: This is our Etch A Sketch moment.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Comments by clicking here.



Previously:



10/04/12 :Schoolchildren's stomachs rumble; drama queens grumble
10/01/12 : Chia Obama vs. Chia Romney: May the best greenfro win
09/25/12 : With bitter campaign in full swing, you need to watch some movies
08/02/12 : Toasting culture's absurdities
04/24/12: Why do you have to sell your privacy to win?
10/13/11: Stupid things men say to pregnant women
09/26/11: Desk zero: ‘Contagion’ lurks just outside office bathroom
09/08/11: Light up your lottery tickets, pass the Hopium
08/31/11: It was only a paper moon , but a legendary hoax
05/27/11: For 2012, it's Obama vs. the smoothies
05/05/11: Is it time to de-friend Pakistan?
04/12/11: China stretches the bounds of decency with cow-human-breast milk
03/23/11: No you're not in control; get over it
02/28/11: Chicago wanted a strongman, and it got one
01/26/11: Oh, c'mon, c'mon, Rahm-bo a victim? That's a stretch
12/13/10: WikiLeaks and Assange pretend there are no consequences
12/09/10: Trendy toys don't stand up to playthings of yore
10/11/10: Obama and his pals need some scarce Hopium for the next election
09/14/10: Obama gets a little bossy with tacit endorsement of Emanuel
08/18/10: Dead Meat walking, but heat to be applied again
07/28/10: No verdict, but Blagojevich trial still has its winners, losers
07/26/10: Obama's fall guy in Shirley Sherrod case is Vilsack the Pooh
07/21/10: Loathing of Steinbrenner softens after his death
07/19/10: Summertime, and the race cards are easy
06/28/10: Does Congress have the guts to fix what court gutted? Honestly, no
12/17/09: Belt-tightening presidential aspirant leaves room for Spam
09/27/09: ACORN can teach the GOP a thing or 2
09/03/09: Blago as author gets it wrong yet again 06/22/09: Obama's latest political play should shock no one
06/17/09: Presidential satire takes Hopium break
06/11/09: E-Verify works, so, of course, let's not use it
06/09/09: First Lady Macbeth's the man, so in your face, Eminem
06/02/09: Judge Sotomayor would think me most unwise
05/12/09: Parents, enjoy this time, in all its creepiness
03/18/09: Stem cell policy shift brings a sinking feeling
03/09/09: Name That Blago Book contest names its winner
03/05/09: Contest: Name Blagojevich's book
02/16/09: Dems undercut aid for U.S. workers
01/20/09: Let the carving begin on Tombstone's tomb
01/12/09: Obama serves Reid taste of Chicago Way
01/02/09: Jesters don't pick up the race card in a nationally televised news conference and slam it into the face of every Dem in the Senate, a palm heel strike to the tip of the nose, leaving all of them watery-eyed, their lips stinging
12/24/08: Governor waxes poetic, but Combine rolls on
12/23/08: Got corruption? Get Jesse Junior G-Man
12/18/08: Will ‘feditis’ spread to Obama and Daley?
12/15/08: Man behind curtain is wizard of Rod, Rahm

© 2011, Chicago Tribune. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.

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