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December 2, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Oct 3, 2011 6 Tishrei, 5772

The Four Laws of Politics

By Roger Simon




http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | "So what do you think of Perry?" the guy asks me. I look at his hands.

You always look at the hands, an old-timer once told me when I was starting out as a political columnist in Chicago. It's the first law: Guy asks you about politics, you look at the hands.

Why? I asked the old-timer.

"You see if he's wearing a knuckle-duster or packing heat or just this," the old-timer said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a roll of quarters. "You wrap your hand around this, and one bap to the chin — wham! — a guy is down."

A lot of questions ran through my mind: Did I really want to be a columnist? Did I really want to cover politics? But I had a bigger question.

Where do you even get a roll of quarters? I asked.

"A bank," the old-timer said. "Whaddya think? You break into a parking meter and roll them yourself?"

So the years pass. And I find out that people do come up to you, especially at parties, and ask you questions about politics. And I am happy to make up the answers. But I always look at the hands first.

The guy who just asked me about Rick Perry has a bottle of Fiji Water in one hand, and the other hand is in the pocket of his chinos.

You got a roll of quarters? I ask him.

"A roll of quarters?" he says. "I didn't know quarters came in rolls. Who needs quarters? Parking meters take credit cards. Or you can use your cell phone."

I take it all in: the fancy water, the chinos, the fact that he is too young to remember coinage. So I know how to answer his question.

"Rick Perry," I say, "is George Bush without the brains."

The guy laughs so hard his Fiji almost erupts. "That is so, so good," he says. "What's your Twitter handle, man? I want to follow you."

I tell him I need to get to the bar. Second law of politics: Keep contact with civilians to a minimum.

The guy ahead of me at the bar is wearing a blue blazer with gold buttons and a pair of gray slacks that match the color of his hair. He is trying to explain to the bartender how to make a Long Island iced tea.

"You need Triple Sec, not tea," the guy is saying. "Don't be an idiot."

The guy turns to me. "He's an idiot," the guy says.

Yeah, I say, the plasma physicists all work the bar during the day shift.

"I know you," the guys says.

No, I say. Must be some other guy.

"No, it's you," he says. "So tell me about Obama. No way he gets re-elected, right?"

I look at the hands. Manicured nails, pudgy fingers, liver spots. Then I notice his cologne. It smells like bags of worn, hundred-dollar bills.

Barack Obama will be a one-term president, I tell him. At most.

The guy roars. He takes a thick, ivory-colored business card out of his blazer pocket. In raised black letters, it gives the address of a hedge fund in Antigua.

He writes a phone number on the card with a slim gold pencil. "I live in the Hamptons," he says. "Next time you're in the Hamptons, you give me a call."

I don't ask him which Hamptons. The only Hamptons I know were related to Lionel.

"And it's going be Romney or Perry, right?" he says.

A dream ticket, I say. Both hat and cattle.

"I don't know what that means," he says. "But I like it."

That's the beauty of politics, I say. It doesn't have to mean anything, it just has to sound good. And then I tell him that the bartender has his Long Island iced tea ready. He turns his head, and I beat it for the door.

As I elbow my way through the crowd, people shout names at me. "Cain?" "Gingrich?" "Christie?" "Hillary?"

Yes, I shout back. Yes and yes and yes! Which is the third law of politics: Always tell people what they want to hear.

The door is in sight. I feel a tug on my sleeve. It's the Fiji Water guy.

"I just wanted to say you have the greatest job in the world, man" he says. "You know that, right?"

I look at him, and I decide to break the fourth law of politics. I decide to tell him the truth.

Two old ladies are eating in a restaurant, I tell him. One says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other says, "Yeah, I know, and such small portions." And that's how I feel about covering politics. It's full of loneliness, suffering and unhappiness — and it's all over much too quickly.

Fiji Water blinks at me.

Woody Allen, I tell him. "Annie Hall." You ever see "Annie Hall"?

Fiji Water shakes his head. "No," he says, "but it was my grandmother's favorite movie."

I blink at him. Then I tell him to stay right where he is while I try to find an open bank.

"Why?" he asks.

Need a roll of quarters, I tell him.

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