Home
In this issue
April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Oct 13, 2011 / 15 Tishrei, 5772

Stupid things men say to pregnant women

By John Kass

John Kass


http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | My young assistant, Shooter, has been making many lists lately, telling me where she put this file and that file, and just the other night as she left work, she offered me yet another.

The list of "Stupid Things Men Say to Pregnant Women."

"It's a work in progress," she said, heavy with child. "We could add to it."

Naturally, I was deathly afraid I was on her list for saying something stupid about flip-flops in the office, so I quietly edged away from Shooter and considered the last nine months and all the stupid things I probably said.

OK, I give up. How many stupid things did I say?

"Your stupid thing is No. 5," she told me.

Shooter is my legman, the tenacious young reporter who helps me with the column. There have been several such legmen over the years, all of them tenacious, beginning with the legendary Slim the Legman, then Mrs. Flynn, the Swede, Spartacus, Wings and now Shooter.

The interesting thing about Shooter - who loves to play craps in Las Vegas - is she found out she was pregnant in January. And by coincidence, that's the same week I quit smoking for good. What fun.

We work long hours on deadline in a little office about the size of a broom closet. And when she was feeling nauseous, I was having nicotine withdrawals.

Later, as her nausea subsided, I toyed with the idea of writing a series of columns about our experience, sort of a "What Kind of Stupid Things to Expect Your Boss Who Quit Smoking Will Say When You're Expecting, As You Both Eat More Pie."

Instead, Shooter quietly compiled her list of "Stupid Things Men Say to Pregnant Women":

Stupid Thing No. 1. Just got home around 8:30 after a long day of working and (barfing) and husband says, "So, when do you want to have another one?"

Stupid Thing No. 2. Random guy on Michigan Avenue: "Are you having twins? Are you sure?"

Stupid Thing No. 3. Shooter is eating dinner with her mom, dad and yia-yia (grandmother), as they talk about Shooter having already packed a bag for the hospital.

Shooter's dad: "Yeah. And you should pack a Sudoku puzzle or something. You know, you might have a lot of waiting time."

Shooter nobly resists the urge to stab her father in the hand with a fork.

Stupid Thing No. 4. Shooter's skinny husband, Dr. Pete, says, "I think I need to lose some weight. My pants are a little tight."

Stupid Thing No. 5. Shooter's Stupid Columnist Boss takes her to Shaw's for lunch and orders iced raw oysters.

Stupid Boss: "Shooter? These are really, really good. Fresh. You can taste the sea. Do you like oysters?"

Shooter: "Yes."

Stupid Boss. "Mmmm. These are so good. Oh, can you eat raw oysters when you're pregnant?"

Shooter: "No."

She would have liked Shaw's well enough before she was expecting, but then, things change. And if you're a man and ask why, then all you're doing is proving that you have the capacity to say stupid things to pregnant women.

So don't question. It just is, that's all.

But with me quitting smoking and Shooter pregnant, at least we had month after month of excellent meals. She learned of the peppers and sausage and the risotto at Volare, the meats and various cheeses at The Purple Pig, the New Orleans beignets at Grand Lux Cafe, the pies at Joe's Stone Crab, the green curry beef at Star of Siam, that killer 12-buck sushi lunch at Oysy and so on and so on.

After nine months of this, I now require a combination of three mirrors to see the tops of my shoes, so I'm going back on that South Beach diet.

But like I told Dr. Pete, when the baby arrives, be like the wolf. Bring the rabbits to the cave. Keep your mouth shut. And do exactly what she says.

"Rabbits to the cave?" asked Dr. Pete. "I don't understand."

He will.

A few hours after Shooter made the list of stupid things, she began texting me, furiously:

"You've got all the passwords and I have the source list and the documents from the police story are on my desk top and we'll get more documents over the weekend. We will see. I have the binder with your clipped columns. Almost up to date. Just have to do last three weeks "

By then, she was at the hospital, dilating, about ready to give birth, but still compelled to type on the BlackBerry. It was the reporter in her, trying to get that one last story. Don't question it. Or you'd be saying something stupid.

And then, it happened. Born to Shooter and Dr. Pete was a beautiful baby boy with a full head of hair like some mountain warrior.

His name? Constantine Angelo "Dean" Lourgos.

That just so happens to be a great soccer name. So don't be surprised if you see him playing midfield for the U.S. men's national team in about 20 years.

If I ask Shooter to let me tie a soccer ball to his left foot, so he develops before the other kids, would that be stupid?

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Comments by clicking here.



Previously:



09/26/11: Desk zero: ‘Contagion’ lurks just outside office bathroom
09/08/11: Light up your lottery tickets, pass the Hopium
08/31/11: It was only a paper moon , but a legendary hoax
05/27/11: For 2012, it's Obama vs. the smoothies
05/05/11: Is it time to de-friend Pakistan?
04/12/11: China stretches the bounds of decency with cow-human-breast milk
03/23/11: No you're not in control; get over it
02/28/11: Chicago wanted a strongman, and it got one
01/26/11: Oh, c'mon, c'mon, Rahm-bo a victim? That's a stretch
12/13/10: WikiLeaks and Assange pretend there are no consequences
12/09/10: Trendy toys don't stand up to playthings of yore
10/11/10: Obama and his pals need some scarce Hopium for the next election
09/14/10: Obama gets a little bossy with tacit endorsement of Emanuel
08/18/10: Dead Meat walking, but heat to be applied again
07/28/10: No verdict, but Blagojevich trial still has its winners, losers
07/26/10: Obama's fall guy in Shirley Sherrod case is Vilsack the Pooh
07/21/10: Loathing of Steinbrenner softens after his death
07/19/10: Summertime, and the race cards are easy
06/28/10: Does Congress have the guts to fix what court gutted? Honestly, no
12/17/09: Belt-tightening presidential aspirant leaves room for Spam
09/27/09: ACORN can teach the GOP a thing or 2
09/03/09: Blago as author gets it wrong yet again 06/22/09: Obama's latest political play should shock no one
06/17/09: Presidential satire takes Hopium break
06/11/09: E-Verify works, so, of course, let's not use it
06/09/09: First Lady Macbeth's the man, so in your face, Eminem
06/02/09: Judge Sotomayor would think me most unwise
05/12/09: Parents, enjoy this time, in all its creepiness
03/18/09: Stem cell policy shift brings a sinking feeling
03/09/09: Name That Blago Book contest names its winner
03/05/09: Contest: Name Blagojevich's book
02/16/09: Dems undercut aid for U.S. workers
01/20/09: Let the carving begin on Tombstone's tomb
01/12/09: Obama serves Reid taste of Chicago Way
01/02/09: Jesters don't pick up the race card in a nationally televised news conference and slam it into the face of every Dem in the Senate, a palm heel strike to the tip of the nose, leaving all of them watery-eyed, their lips stinging
12/24/08: Governor waxes poetic, but Combine rolls on
12/23/08: Got corruption? Get Jesse Junior G-Man
12/18/08: Will ‘feditis’ spread to Obama and Daley?
12/15/08: Man behind curtain is wizard of Rod, Rahm

© 2011, Chicago Tribune. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.

Columnists

Toons

Lifestyles