Jewish World Review
Oct 12, 2011
/ 14 Tishrei, 5772
(Not so) Happy birthday to me
No one knows how to bleed the fun out of a birthday like the
My birthday is not for another few days, but the birthday greetings
started arriving last week. On Tuesday the mailman brought a postcard
from the Department of Motor Vehicles telling me to enjoy my birthday,
and when it was over to visit one of their branches or their website
to renew my license. My driver's license won't expire until next
year on my birthday, but they'd like me to save time and avoid the
The postcard had a cupcake with a candle on it, so I'm trying
to overlook the fact that the message was a little naggy. I've got
12 months to renew. What's the rush?
Maybe they think I won't make it another 12 months and want their
money now. Not a bad strategy in a downturn economy.
On Wednesday, I received a birthday card, from a company I won't
name, offering to talk with me about my life insurance situation.
Happy birthday to you, too.
That doesn't happen in your thirties and forties.
The real kicker was Thursday -- a postcard announcing it was
time for a colonoscopy. It didn't say Happy Birthday, but the timing
On Friday, I received an ivory envelope containing an invitation
to a free dinner at one of the better steakhouses in town. The husband
and I could have our choice of three entrees as long as we agreed
to stick around and listen to some ideas about long-term financial
Apparently the colonoscopy people were miffed I didn't respond
to the postcard earlier in the week because by the end of the week
they had sent a one-page letter reminding me again.
I'm so hurt. Nothing from the dentist or the OB/GYN.
All I'm missing is a card from my hairstylist suggesting it's
time for color, a brochure on brow-lifts and liposuction from a
plastic surgeon and a refrigerator magnet listing the warning signs
of heart attack and stroke.
Hold on, the mail just came. I now have in my hands a greeting
card with a beautiful photograph of rolling emerald hills and large
shade trees. Have you considered a prepaid burial?
So far the only upbeat card I've gotten is from Stein Mart. They
want to give me 20 percent off any one item for my birthday. Talbots
sent a birthday card, too, but they're only offering me 15 percent
I started getting birthday wishes on Facebook five days before
my birthday. I appreciate the kind thoughts, but I'm in no hurry.
I'd like to drag this year out as long as possible before rolling
over to a new number -- or a new plot, if the cemetery people get
I wish everyone would back off. I haven't even had a piece of
cake yet. That's right, I'm having cake. Or tiramisu. Or cheesecake.
Whatever it is, it will be tasty, high calorie, loaded with fat,
and I will enjoy every wonderful bite.
Don't even think about it Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem and Jenny
And for the record, I don't care what kind of downer cards I
get in the mail, I plan on having another good year.
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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of , most recently, "Catching Christmas" (Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.) and I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.
© 2009, Lori Borgman