Jewish World Review Oct. 26, 2010 / 18 Mar-Cheshvan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Harlem's Jimmy McMillan stole the show at the N.Y. governor's race debate Tuesday as the candidate of The Rent is Too Damn High party. The audience loved him. Everybody wants him to move to L.A. and run for mayor as the candidate of the Lindsay Lohan is Too Damn High party.
U.S. Olympic gold medal sprinter LaShawn Merritt was banned from the London Olympics. He tested positive for a substance found in male enhancement pills. It cost him the Olympics but it got him an offer to be quarterback coach for the Minnesota Vikings.
San Francisco prosecutors submitted their federal witness list for Barry Bonds' upcoming trial for perjury. He maintains his complete innocence. Barry Bonds will tell anyone who asks that never once in his life has he ever taken a perjury.
NBA Jam was released in its new edition by EA Sports Tuesday to mark the start of the NBA season next week. The video game lets you play as any player or celebrity you want, including Bill and Hillary Clinton. Every time Hillary turns her back, Bill scores.
The Justice Department stopped deporting arrested illegal aliens Tuesday, angering federal agents. Orders came from the top. The president said he wants to create better understanding with Mexico and if he can't do that, he wants to create Greater Mexico.
Homeland Security scrapped the high-tech virtual Mexico border fence Friday. They spent a billion on it but it only works in theory. Republicans want the name of the salesman who sold the U.S. government an invisible fence so they can groom him to run against Obama in two years.
The New York Marathon invited the thirty-three rescued Chilean miners to attend the event all-expenses-paid Saturday. Now it's just thirty-two rescued miners. One of the miners had a wife and a mistress waiting for him when he surfaced and he went back down.
Parliament slashed five hundred thousand government jobs in Britain Tuesday to reduce government spending. It won't happen here. The U.S. Congress nuclear bomb shelter is located under an old cavalry fort in Maryland so they will never be far from a trough.
Bristol Palin came out onstage in a gorilla suit on Dancing with the Stars last week before her dance number. She made a transition from ape to a beautiful young woman and survived. She could become the first opponent of evolution to win the Darwin Award.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel addressed her German conservative party last week in Potsdam and declared that the multi-cultural experiment in Germany has totally failed. She complained that Germany is being overrun by foreigners. Karma is so slow.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton