Jewish World Review Oct. 11, 2010 / 3 Mar-Cheshvan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Vanity Fair's poll named Betty White the fourth most-eligible woman in America according to U.S. men. That's what a ten percent jobless rate will do. The economy is so bad that the fourth most-wanted wife in America is one who's blonde, rich and could die any day now.
The White House admitted Friday that ninety thousand stimulus checks were sent out to dead people last year. It's worse than that. The dead are late in reporting whether they spent their stimulus money to install solar panels or to retain teachers.
Swiss bankers acknowledged Friday that the world's wealthiest investors have been buying up gold, causing gold's price per ounce to skyrocket. It's gotten crazy. Last week tourists in Beverly Hills saw Mr. T in a pawn shop, for six hundred thousand dollars.
President Obama named former Fannie Mae lobbyist Tom Donilon his National Security Adviser Friday. He can't destroy the Taliban with the techniques Fannie Mae used to destroy the U.S. economy. They'll never borrow money against their caves, that's their security.
Bank of America halted all home foreclosures Friday after the Senate scheduled hearings in November. Foreclosure documents were signed without anybody at the bank reading them. So now the richest guys in town are stuck with cell phone contracts for five years.
The Gallup Poll revealed Friday that George W. Bush has pulled into a tie with Barack Obama over who was the better president. Bush must be sad. Just two years ago he held the title of the worst president in history and only Mark McGwire's record was broken faster.
President Obama said Friday if Republicans take Congress, it'll be hand-to-hand combat on Capitol Hill every day. House Members would love to start using their hands again. They're sick and tired of chewing on that No-Grope gum every day to help them kick the habit.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton