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Jewish World Review Monkey baby big business for the small-minded By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Set your DVRs, hons, because there's going to be a new fall hit coming your way: TLC's "My Monkey Baby." Not since the debut of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant!" have I been this excited. This should answer, once and for all, those satellite TV ingrates who love to whine, "I have 856 channels and there's not a thing to watch!" I repeat: Monkey Babies. Who could resist following the daily hi-jinks of Jessica Marie, a girl monkey with her own pink bedroom, designer clothes, toys, games and makeup? TLC, which used to stand for The Learning Channel but now stands for Titillating Losers for Cash, follows quasi-redneck couple Lori and Jim Johnson as they, seriously, examine the questions: "How strong is the parent-monkey bond?" and my personal favorite "Can a monkey really be a child substitute?" Standing in the canned ravioli aisle at a Tarzana Safeway wearing ratty bedroom scuffs, the Octomom is probably slapping her forehead. "Monkey babies! Why didn't I think of that?" Monkey mama Lori has two grown human daughters of her own but apparently they were much harder to hold down and administer blush and lipstick to. "She loves it!" coos Lori, while Jessica Marie gazes stupidly at a tube of something that might have been tested on her long-lost cousin. I'm sorry I said stupidly. Wouldn't want to set off Jim who gets a might riled if you call Jessica Marie a monkey. "Don't call her that! She's my daughter 100 percent!" Given his propensity to wax philosophic over a cold 'un while a cigarette bounces up and down on his lip, who am to argue? Maybe he has the DNA test to prove it. I smell ratings bonanza here. No, sorry. That was just Jessica Marie flinging something. But I seriously believe that TLC could craft a TV special here that melds all of its best efforts from the TLC/Discovery Family. Those wacky Duggars with their brood of 18 or 19, I forget which, could add a few monkey babies to the mix if they can just figure out how to get the monkeys to give up their computer skills in favor of wearing gingham aprons and writing on a slate. Or Jessica Marie, who wears pink sparkly tutus could compete in the gruesomely watchable "Toddlers & Tiaras." If Jim lurched around the corner in his wifebeater at just the wrong time, those feisty "Police Women of Broward County" could wrassle him onto the ground and taze him just like they do in every show. Carmindy from "What Not to Wear" could wax, well, everything. TLC, sounding downright journalistic, promises that "My Monkey Baby" will explore "the real lives of people parenting monkeys in America." I'm just glad Walter Cronkite isn't alive to see it. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. All mommixed up? Try keeping toes in a breath-mint tin Thunder thighs finally get revenge Where would I be without the digested read? Butter buds: Julia and Celia Facebook is for ‘old’ people, too, missy Ch-ch-ch-changes Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I? 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Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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