Jewish World Review Oct. 27, 2009 / 9 Mar-Cheshvan 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Obama demanded Friday that banks begin making loans to creditworthy people. He's back to community organizing. He defines creditworthy as anyone who wants to get a house loan to open a brothel to employ hard-working immigrant children.
The Justice Department raided the Mexican drug cartel La Familia Tuesday which netted tons of meth and cocaine and pot. The gang maintains its popularity in Mexico by only selling meth to Americans. Selling meth to Mexicans would destroy their nation's proudest tradition of taking off a couple of hours every afternoon for a nap.
Somali pirates began operating again in the Gulf of Aden Thursday. They seize huge ransoms from manufacturers, insurers and oil companies but pay no income taxes. They could win the Nobel Peace Prize for bridging the partisan divide in Washington.
The U.S. government formally petitioned Switzerland to return Roman Polanski to California. Karma is so slow. He took an underaged girl and he sodomized her and now he's going to prison, which proves once again that what goes around comes around.
Senate Democrats attached a gay hate crimes bill to a defense bill Friday to get it passed. It's a federal crime to attack someone for their sexual orientation. However gays still can't get married in forty-five states unless it's to Liza Minnelli.
Senator Lamar Alexander urged Barack Obama to drop his White House enemies list Tuesday. It's eerie. If Nixon has returned to earth as our first black president, it must mean he really did go to hell and is doing community service to work his way out.
The Philadelphia Phillies won the National League playoff series Wednesday. It wasn't without the usual controversy. President Obama could clinch the passage of health care reform if he would guarantee it covers optometry appointments for umpires.
The Journal of Family Issues reported Thursday that the more housework you do, the more often you have sex with your spouse. That's nice. Next week's study shows the more times you're on the House floor the more often you have sex with someone else's spouse.
Senator Max Baucus met with Democrats in the U.S. Capitol last week to merge the twenty-three-hundred-page health care bill. Every American ought to read it. It's so heavy that if you lift the bill three times a day you'll live to be one hundred.
The Justice Department announced a raid Thursday on the notorious Mexican drug cartel La Familia. The U.S. attorney general was outraged by the size of the cocaine haul. Those stimulus dollars are supposed to go to hard-working American drug dealers.
New Zealand scientists published a study Thursday proving owning a dog has the same carbon footprint as driving an SUV six thousand miles a year. It's shocking. It turns out that Michael Vick just served two years in prison for saving the planet.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton