Jewish World Review Oct. 23, 2009 / 5 Mar-Cheshvan 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Obama declared war Monday on the Chamber of Commerce, Fox News, Wall Street and Rush Limbaugh. He's got an enemies list. Richard Nixon was so casually racist that no one can believe he's come back to America as our first black president.
New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez was a one-man wrecking crew in the AL playoffs this week. He's smashing home runs left and right. In spring training next year the Dodgers are going to have all their players date Madonna and then break up with her.
The Surgeon General was asked by hog farmers Tuesday to give swine flu another name. You can't get the deadly flu by eating a pig but you could get it by kissing the pig. Jerry Springer had better tape ahead if he doesn't want to run out of guests.
ESPN's Steve Phillips' mistress wrote a letter to his wife confessing their affair. The New York Post printed the letter on Wednesday. The Sixth Commandment never had an enforcement mechanism til the tabloids began running a toll-free tipline.
Roman Polanski was denied bail in Zurich Monday as he faces extradition to Los Angeles. He's headed to San Quentin. Roman Polanski always said he'd like to be in the same room with Sharon Tate's killer and it looks like he is going to get his wish.
The Justice Department indicted Tarek Mehanna for plotting to kill Americans by blowing up a shopping mall. How would that kill any Americans? If you set off a bomb in a shopping mall right now all it will do is knock over a Christmas tree and a sale sign.
New York City's former police commissioner Bernie Kerik was jailed Tuesday for leaking jury-tainting evidence in his upcoming corruption trial. That's life in the Big Apple. One day you are on the cover of Time, the next week you're doing it.
The White House ordered banks who got bailout money to cut their executive pay in half. The bankers took a government loan and now they're going to be treated like slaves. The elevator music at Bank of America now plays nothing but Old Man River.
President Obama promised stimulus money to small businesses on Wednesday. He's about to let the Bush tax cuts expire, raise the capital gains tax and increase health care costs. Chicago politicians naturally think that once you're buried you'll vote for them.
President Obama said Wednesday Michelle used to ask him why she needed to take off work to care for their sick daughters and not him. She was just jealous. Think about all of the times he comes home from campaign rallies with lipstick on his shoes.
The White House hinted Thursday it may scrap NASA's Ares rocket program to send astronauts to the moon. It would be a mistake to cancel the manned mission to the moon. If we don't send in troops, last weekend's bombing raid will have been pointless.
President Obama again delayed deciding what to do in Afghanistan Monday. He is driving both the Pentagon and the peace crowd crazy. It's like the groom who spent all night sitting on the end of the bed telling his bride how good it was going to be.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton