Jewish World Review Oct. 20, 2009 / 2 Mar-Cheshvan 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Columbus police detained a lady who offered to buy free stuff for everybody in a clothing store. She's being evaluated. For people like this there are only two outcomes, you either wind up in a straitjacket or you wind up in the White House.
A Los Angeles sperm bank began marketing sperm of celebrity look-alikes Friday so recipients can make their child look like a star. It's a financial winner. It will save your kid a lifetime of plastic surgery and the need for a college education.
Marina del Rey residents learned Friday a man sitting out on a high-rise condo balcony was dead and had been decomposing there for days. It all worked out. The money he won in the building's Halloween decorating contest paid his funeral expenses.
The Treasury Department announced Friday the federal deficit neared a trillion and a half dollars as unemployment neared ten percent. Perceptions have greatly changed. Michael Jackson is looking less and less like a fool for taking hospital-grade anesthesia and more and more like a pioneer in the treatment of the Depression.
President Obama got roaring cheers from the audience at a Democratic dinner in San Francisco. He got great advice. Gallagher called and suggested he replace the TelePrompter with a silver balloon shaped like a flying saucer hovering over his head.
NASA showed photos of last weekend's lunar missile shot which pierced the moon in search of water. The planners want everybody to be able to live on the moon someday. Until now it has been just another exclusive spot where white guys play golf.
President Obama accused insurance companies on Saturday of scheming to protect their profits. The industry may have underestimated him. Insurance companies never thought in this day and age that a smoker would live long enough to become president.
Ted Turner said Thursday he wants to buy back CNN and he admitted that selling the network nine years ago was a huge mistake. He had a reputation for workplace sexual harassment and high TV ratings. They go together like Letterman and Late Night.
The Chamber of Commerce launched a twenty-five million dollar ad campaign last week to sell Americans on free enterprise. The commercials aim to teach the public how jobs get created. President Obama called it the politics of personal destruction.
President Obama flew to New Orleans for four hours Thursday where he inspected hurricane damaged neighborhoods. The residents are dependent on the government for food, housing, health care and education. He said it is a model for the rest of the country.
President Obama proposed giving seniors a check for two hundred fifty dollars. They're thrilled. Half the seniors loved the idea, the other half have hearing problems and they think he's going to give them a chick for two hundred fifty dollars.
President Obama flew to San Francisco Thursday where he addressed a fundraiser despite protests. He's in a lot of trouble with the gay community for dragging his feet. Their view is if you can't execute the steps cleanly, get out of the dance troupe.
The Senate health care reform negotiations Thursday resulted in what was called the Super Bowl of Lobbying. The blood is in the water. Lawmakers were briefed that if the lobbyists got too close, just to poke them in the eyes and alert the lifeguards.
Hillary Clinton enjoyed a sixty-two percent approval rating in the Gallup Poll Thursday, making her more popular than the president. Things have changed in ten years. The last time she outpolled the president, she was swinging a real pole at him.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton