Jewish World Review Oct. 19, 2009 / 1 Mar-Cheshvan 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Bernie Madoff was reportedly the top-selling Halloween mask Friday. That makes sense. He's not the scariest costume but no one wants to trick-or-treat dressed as a sheriff because homeowners won't open the door if they think they're being evicted.
Major League Baseball had freezing playoff weather in New York and Philadelphia Sunday with a late-year World Series looming. It looks bleak. Joe Torre added one of Sarah Palin's sled dogs to the roster in case they need a pinch runner in mid-November.
Harrods in London began offering twenty-seven pound gold bars for sale Thursday after gold hit a thousand dollars an ounce. Each gold bar sells for four hundred and sixty-two thousand dollars. Only Shaquille O'Neal gets more money per brick.
Homeland Security made plans Friday to use facial recognition technology at big sporting events. This facial recognition technology is used at casino entrances to keep out cheaters. If they used it at the U.S. Capitol they would never get a quorum.
Homeland Security stripped Phoenix sheriff Joe Arpaio of his authority to make street arrests of illegal aliens Friday. This means Texas and Arizona may secede from the union, and you have to add South Carolina because they don't want to relinquish their title. Barack Obama wasn't kidding when he billed himself as the next Abe Lincoln.
President Obama was in College Station Friday where former President George H.W. Bush welcomed him to the campus. They had a great time together. The two presidents compared recessions, then broke out into the usual male argument over whose is bigger.
President Obama flew to San Francisco on Thursday aboard Air Force One. As the plane headed west it had to fly into one hundred and forty mile an hour headwinds. Al Sharpton accused the wind of being racist for opposing President Obama's progress.
President Obama attended a thirty-four-thousand-dollars-a-couple fundraiser at the St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco Thursday for the Democratic Party. It was surprising they were selling tickets by the couple in San Francisco. President Obama's not in favor of same sex marriage but he has nothing against two-party checks.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton