Jewish World Review Oct. 12, 2009 / 24 Tishrei 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Helen Keller was honored by Congress Thursday with a statue of her as a child in the Capitol. She couldn't hear, she couldn't see and she couldn't say anything. She will stand just outside the Ethics Committee hearing room like a third base coach.
Dave Letterman apologized to his wife on the air Tuesday and said he would try to fix his marriage. He vowed that he will never have sex with a co-worker again. This is the kind of loophole Bill Clinton used to look for in the Book of Deuteronomy.
All Nippon Air told passengers Tuesday to empty their bladders before boarding to lighten the airplane and save fuel. Let's hope this doesn't catch on. It just means more witnesses in the men's room the next time Larry Craig wants to meet somebody.
President Obama told Iraq's president Jalal Talabani the U.S. remains committed to helping Iraq build its security and economy. The cooperation is excellent. The Iraqi president promised to give the U.S. tips on how to cut down on school violence in Chicago.
President Obama was advised by Democrats to exit Afghanistan and by Republicans to send more troops Tuesday. One road leads to surrender and humiliation while the other road leads to quagmire and humiliation. May we have the wisdom to choose wisely.
General Motors fired its executive in charge of sales last Wednesday following September's plunge in GM car sales. Somebody had to take the fall. President Obama doesn't want to be humiliated again when Los Angeles loses the auto show to Rio.
Michael Jordan served as an honorary captain at the Presidents Cup matches in San Francisco this past week. He loves a friendly game of golf. Every year golf's leading money winner is Tiger Woods, followed by whoever's just played Michael Jordan.
The Justice Department said Thursday that sixty percent of U.S. kids are exposed to violence in their lives every day. It's a start. Winning the hearts and minds of the people in Afghanistan begins with turning our school districts over to warlords.
Senator Russ Feingold began hearings on the constitutionality of all the White House czars who are not answerable to Congress. Senator Feingold knows this story. It begins with bureaucrats who don't answer to Congress and it ends with Cossacks riding on horses through Jewish neighborhoods setting people's houses on fire.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton