Jewish World Review Oct. 7, 2009 / 19 Tishrei 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Obama touted health care reform in the Rose Garden Monday surrounded by a hundred and fifty doctors in white coats. The doctors were shocked to see each other. They each thought they're the only ones writing prescriptions for the president.
David Letterman's blackmailer Joe Halderman hired John Gotti trial lawyer Gerald Shargel Monday. He gets mobsters acquitted by dredging up the past of accusers and witnesses. He's the only defense attorney in New York with a proctologist on retainer.
David Letterman's staffers who didn't have sex with him and didn't get promoted were reportedly angry about all the staffers who did. An investigation is sure to follow. By the time this ends he'll have an office in Harlem and a wife in the Senate.
McDonald's caused a stir in Paris Monday by announcing plans to open a restaurant in the Louvre Museum. The chain made every effort to assuage France's wounded sense of artistic pride. Every Chicken McNugget is shaped like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
The Weather Channel forecasted Monday El Nino will result in a freezing winter this year. The climate change conference is in December. It turns out that global warming is produced on the same computer model that gave sub-prime loans a AAA rating.
The FBI filed charges against Michael Barrett for shooting peephole videos of ESPN's Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room. She was horrified when she saw the grainy video. When Roman Polanski heard she's thirty-one he told her to get another filmmaker.
French director Roman Polanski asked a Swiss judge for bail Monday pending his hearing. He was nabbed in Zurich when he arrived to accept a lifetime achievement honor. We could capture Osama bin Laden if someone would just put him up for a Peabody Award.
Conde Nast closed Gourmet magazine after sixty-nine years of publication. They tried to adapt to the recession but they just couldn't do it. Why would readers pay for Hamburger Helper recipes when they can get them for free on the side of the box?
Hillary Clinton will fly to London next week where she will discuss the economy, terrorism and arms control. The woman is amazing. In eighteen years she's gone from being the national punchline to being the only reason eighteen states haven't seceded.
Michelle Obama spoke to the IOC Friday where she said she sat on her father's lap watching Carl Lewis win all his medals in the Olympics. She was twenty years old that year. Oprah Winfrey can't believe she confessed to the IOC instead of on her show.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton