Jewish World Review Oct. 5, 2009 / 17 Tishrei 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Obama failed to get the Olympics for Chicago Friday. He's in a slump lately. He hung out with ACORN and they went down, he led Chicago's Olympic bid and it went down, and he did the David Letterman show and now the police are involved.
David Letterman admitted Thursday he'd been extorted over sexual relationships he had with his staffers. It's amazing. In the greatest example in history that turnabout is fair play, Bill Clinton is opening his act telling David Letterman jokes.
CBS News producer Joe Halderman extorted David Letterman by threatening to reveal all his office lovers unless he got two million bucks. Everybody in show business had the same reaction. He could have sold this story to St. Martin's Press for twice the money.
David Letterman admitted having sex with female staffers Thursday. CBS bans sex in the workplace. Comedians don't normally deal with this charge because cocktail waitresses don't want to admit they've slept with a comedian while their parents are still alive.
President Obama was humiliated in Denmark Friday when Chicago lost out to Rio for the Olympics despite his personal plea to the IOC on behalf of Chicago. The president learned an important lesson. Naked corruption can't compete with naked beaches.
President Obama told the IOC about his itinerant childhood on Friday. Michelle told the IOC about her wheelchair-bound father's health problems. The IOC gave the games to Rio but they sent Barack and Michelle home with a brand-new washer and dryer.
Rio de Janiero became the first South American city chosen to host the Olympic Games Friday. Rio got the bid over Chicago and Madrid and Tokyo. The notoriously crime-plagued city burst into spontaneous cheers at the news, and that was in Chicago.
Rio de Janiero went wild when they won the Olympics Friday. The city is famous for its carnival atmosphere, its beautiful women and its topless beaches. There's a giant statue of Jesus overlooking Rio, and every night at sundown they blindfold it.
Wall Street held firm Friday after the Labor Department announced that unemployment reached nearly ten percent. The country lost another two hundred sixty thousand jobs last month. In Los Angeles there are two bread lines, Whole Wheat and Gluten-Free.
Michael Jackson's autopsy report released Thursday showed that the singer was in great health for a fifty-year-old man. What a legend. When it was revealed that every night he used hospital-grade anesthesia, Roman Polanski paid tribute to him as a great innovator.
Michael Moore's new movie slamming U.S. capitalism was boycotted by the teachers' union. They say he used a non-union crew to shoot the movie so he could save money and make more profit. Next they'll find out that he shot the whole thing in Vancouver.
The Max Planck Institute said most babies born in rich countries in this century will live to be one hundred. It's not a medical evaluation. It's a determination of how long they'll have to live in order to pay off the debt we've run up for them.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is going on a trip to Belfast and Dublin, then to Moscow and back to London this month. She will be discussing the economy, terrorism and arms control. Under the division of labor in the Obama administration the president does the talk shows and Hillary does the heavy lifting.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton