Oh, poor little ol' Gwyneth Paltrow, she of the porcelain skin, pale blond hair and lithe body that, while envied by some, only inspires Uncle Snook to point out that "she doesn't have enough butt to make a poor man a pot of soup."
Gwyneth's snooty new lifestyle Web site "Goop.com" shows a lapse of good judgment we haven't seen since a certain cruise ship made its maiden voyage straight into an iceberg. We know what she was thinking: "If Oprah can make a fortune showing people how to live their lives, why can't I?"
Oh, Gwynnie, where to begin?
For starters, you can't tell people how to live when you're married to a ROCK STAR. It is, well, unseemly. Oprah's never quite gotten it right in the romance department so we can't hate on her for that. But you? Oh, with your adorable ROCK STAR spouse and your curiously named but nonetheless precious children, you just can't. Again: unseemly.
The earlier "Titanic" metaphor is appropriate because Gwyneth is the first-class passenger wearing furs and a brooch the size of Kansas and the rest of us are gnawing turkey legs down in steerage.
Gwynnie's Web site shares her "life changing" advice to (gag, barf) "pause before reacting," "nourish what's real," "go to a city you've never been to" and, get this, "don't be lazy."
Oh heavenly pearls of wisdom from someone who grew up in privilege and private schools and dated Brad Pitt for three years. We wish we could pause before reacting to the insane high-handedness of Goop.com. I've read better advice in the headlines of Cosmo, which at least includes useful information like "1001 Erogenous Zones (That You Didn't Know You Had) but (He - wink! - Wishes You Did!!")
On Goop, Gwyneth tells us to "Cook a Meal For Someone You Love." Hey, Rapunzel, it's called dinner and we do it seven nights a week without, I must add, the assistance of nannies, butlers and assorted cooks and pot-scrubbers.
Gwyneth says that she has a great life because she is "not passive about it," which implies that we are. Guilty as charged, I suppose. I was going to be less passive about life and schedule my own tour of lesser-known Tuscan vineyards but it was my night to bring snacks to children's choir. My freakin' bad.
Could I be wrong about this? Could Goop.com be the answer to our nation's collective angst? Will Gwyneth save us with advice such as telling us to "Clean Out Your Space"? Maybe. I think I'll start by taking my "Shallow Hal" DVD to Goodwill. There. I feel better already!
Sure, Gwyneth could be the next Martha. No, really. After all, anything is possible when you live in a world where there are still some people who claim to have been shocked that Clay Aiken is gay. I mean anything.
