Jewish World Review Oct. 31, 2008 / 2 Mar-Cheshvan 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Barack Obama bought thirty minutes of time on seven TV channels Wednesday for a political commercial. It featured sob stories he heard on the campaign trail. When he promised to help everybody find new jobs, we had no idea he was casting a TV movie for Lifetime.
Barack Obama spent millions of dollars to buy airtime on seven broadcast networks for his thirty-minute infomercial. ABC did not air it. In case a cataclysm occurs, one network must remain on the air to ensure a continuity of sex and violence.
John McCain and Barack Obama campaigned furiously Wednesday. The country seems evenly split. After the election Americans will be asking each other which of the two candidates they voted for, the mainstream media or the vast right-wing conspiracy.
The Gallup Poll forecast a record turnout in California on Election Day. State law says polling places may be located anywhere except bars and whorehouses. If you think you can get away from politicians there, don't ask who's in the next room.
An Ohio judge ruled Monday that voters may list a park bench as their place of residence when they register to vote. Not everyone has a fixed address. Since the foreclosure crisis began, Democrats live in the park and Republicans live in their cars.
Barack Obama's staff pleaded for get-out-the-vote volunteers in Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania. The memo said not to come if they're expecting a vacation, they should only come if they want to work. Look, if they wanted to work they wouldn't be Democrats.
The L.A. Times refused to release a video of Barack Obama giving a glowing after-dinner toast to PLO activist Rashid Khalidi in Chicago. The Palestinian is a sworn enemy of Israel. All these old friends of Obama wanted to help him out by leaving the country before the campaign started, but they aren't allowed on airplanes or ships.
Barack Obama's spread-the-wealth tax plan was ripped Monday as socialism. It's stunning to see a U.S. government leaning toward socialism. Bobby Kennedy used to spend a hour a day trying to kill Fidel Castro as part of his morning exercise routine.
Barack Obama criticized the Supreme Court for not requiring economic equality for blacks fifty years ago when the Court re-interpreted the Fourteenth Amendment to expand civil rights. It was quite doable. The Fourteenth Amendment is like a human being, if you torture it long enough you can make it say anything you want it to say.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton