Jewish World Review Oct. 24, 2008 / 25 Tishrei 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Al-Qaeda was reported Monday to have netted eight hundred million dollars cash in illegal drug sales last year. Now they're all too rich to volunteer for suicide missions. Who would have guessed that the best way to fight terrorism is to do heroin.
The USC Trojans leap-frogged three undefeated teams to the nation's number-two ranking Sunday in the first BCS poll. It's a highly technical tabulation nobody understands. Under the BCS system, Hillary Clinton could still be our next president.
Dallas Cowboys suspended star Pacman Jones was ordered to alcohol rehab by the NFL after his latest scrape. He's had thirteen police incidents and shot up a strip club. Pacman Jones has more than a few issues, he's got an entire year's subscription.
Hillary Clinton campaigned for Barack Obama Monday as she maneuvered to be the next lion of the Senate. She wanted to be the next President Clinton but now she wants to be the next Ted Kennedy. She must think the glass ceiling is a mirror over the bed.
Joe Biden predicted Sunday that enemies would provoke a crisis if Barack Obama becomes president, just to test him. He accidentally questioned his running mate's fitness for office. Every time an airbag saves a life, Joe Biden gets a royalty check.
Barack Obama bought thirty minutes of airtime on Fox Tuesday which would delay Game Six of the World Series. He's endorsed both Philadelphia and Tampa. Pennsylvania and Florida have a long history of rivalry in football, baseball and voter fraud.
Nebraska University canceled a speaking gig for Barack Obama's associate Bill Ayers, who bombed U.S. government buildings in the Sixties to protest the war in Vietnam. It was a different world then. Buddhist monks used to douse themselves with gasoline to protest the Vietnam War, now they do it to pick up chicks in Los Angeles.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton