Jewish World Review Oct. 20, 2008 / 21 Tishrei 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Jerry Jones was reported having a tough time Thursday finding a company to buy the naming rights to his new stadium. The products most associated with the Dallas Cowboys don't need to pay for the publicity. They get mentioned in every arrest report.
Sarah Palin told New Hampshire Wednesday she will drill in Alaska and lead the nation to energy independence. Her plan could make oil prices plummet even faster. People who've been running their SUVs on brandy may find gasoline cost-effective again.
Bob Schieffer hosted the presidential debate Wednesday between Barack Obama and John McCain. We must choose between a socialist with terrorist friends and a former prisoner whose running mate is a sniper. Let's pray we have the wisdom to choose wisely.
Barack Obama placed campaign ads in video games Wednesday which remind players that mail-in voting is now underway. It's a hot new medium. People who register Democrats for Acorn are developing a new Playstation game called Grand Theft Election.
Barack Obama's name was reportedly misspelled on some mail-in ballots Thursday and he was listed as Barack Osama. It's a totally unfair association. Obama and Osama only have one thing in common, they've both got friends who bombed the Pentagon.
U.S. Congressman Tim Mahoney (D- Fl.) was caught offering to pay hush money to a mistress angry over a second girlfriend. He cheated on the woman with whom he was cheating on his wife. Now that the U.S. government is handing out seven hundred billion dollars a week, congressmen are getting all the women who used to go out with investment bankers.
Acorn workers fraudulently registered Mickey Mouse as a Democratic voter last week in Florida. It's just crazy. There's so much fraud in voter registration that five guys on Wall Street are thinking about securitizing it and selling it to German banks.
Barack Obama was revealed to have been a trainer for Acorn voter registrars in the Nineties. However, he didn't train people to register cartoon characters. With the Clintons on the ballot, he was training them to vote for cartoon characters.
The Treasury Department bought a huge share of nine major banks last week. The government once took over the Mustang Ranch in Nevada, and the place went bankrupt. No one should be allowed to run a bank if they can't make money selling hookers and alcohol.
John Daly announced plans Friday to play on the European Tour next year to get his game together. It needs help. When he last played at Pebble Beach he drove into the water twice, and that was just looking for the turn-off on Pacific Coast Highway.
Ford Motors executives scrambled for answers Tuesday in the wake of record low car sales in September. Last year the Ford chairman was awarded six million dollars in Ford company stock. He could sue the company for paying less than the minimum wage.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton